I wish I have double eye lids.  What's that you asked ?  It's the fold above your eyes.  I only have 1 visible eye lid, so if you look at the image below, it's 1 semi-mono and 1 parallel.  It's rare to have 1 fold out and one semi fold in, but I got it.  Some day there are double folds but most day only one comes out to play.  This is I think, one of the 2 major asian obsession.  The other is high bridge nose.

My eyes was once a part of me that I long wanted to "fix".  If you're thinking 'cosmetic surgery' ? you are right !  WHHHAT ?  I know right ? me !  one who always talks about all things natural.  Sadly, i am not immune to insecurity.  And this eye thing is my biggest hurdle that I hoped to get over one day.  Sure there's double sided eyelid tapes, but I can't be bother with anything that isn't permanent.  I don't like to spend too much time getting ready.  15 min. is max for me.  Most days it's between 7-10 min. and that includes brushing teeth and washing my face.

Double eyelid tape.  Clear thin invisible tapes to glue the skin above your eyes together.   

Collin has been in my life as far back as I can remember, and he knows I've always been bothered by it.  He told me he doesn't even noticed it until I told him, and said that I should love the me God created.  I totally know what he's saying.  I have a very content happy life but I just think it would be better with double eye lids.  I have an OCD with things being straight and even !  With my uneven eyes, I just feel I will be pretty with 2 same eyes !

There was a time when I was afraid to look at people in the eyes.  Afraid that people secretly, in their head, think 'oh my gosh her eyes are uneven, that's so weird'.  I feel like I have a deformity on my face.  Of course it's all in my head, but that's how insecurity talks.

One impediment that is stopping me from going through with the surgery is that I am terrified of being cut up !  I can't imagine putting myself under the knife deliberately.  I mean, what if it went wrong and I was blinded on one side ?  What if after all the pain and it still look weird ?  Do I have to cut both eyes to ensure evenness ? What if it got infected ?  I've seen surgeries that went wrong and afraid I might be one.  My fear is a bit greater than my desire to be pretty.  Maybe when I'm older I can do it, I told myself.

Addition to fear, a part of me don't want God to feel like I am modifying the in-good-condition me that He made.  At the back of my head, the bible verse about how I am wonderfully made always come into play whenever I think about getting my eye fix.  So that's another deterrent.

As the days and years rolled by, I didn't get any more brave !  I can't overcome the fear of going under the knife, but what that time period gave me was the understanding of what "acceptance" means.  From people to life situations and to myself.  I learn to be more accepting.  I slowly embrace me, everything about me, all the imperfections.  As my faith deepen, as I read more God's words, I started to see me and get to know who I am more.  There are more to me than look, and there are much work to do with building up my inner self, to be the complete person God desired me to be.

I asked myself if changing my physical look would affect my quality of life, and if it would change my attitude.  Quality of life, none.  Attitude ?  probably, there sure will be a boost of confident.  Do I need it though ?  nope.  Perhaps this imperfection is here to help me to learn about acceptance, to humble me, to teach me to see deeper than surface, to learn to take confident of whatever exterior I was given, to be more thoughtful, to be kind, and to focus on higher things.  While I am on a journey to be all of that, I really like the person God is molding me into.  I'm more encouraged to be better.  I am excited for the work that has started in me and look forward to the person I will grow into, the wife, and the mother I will become. 

During this time, TV was showing this show called Swan.  While it's amazing to see the final transformation on reveal night, the whole concept of the show doesn't sit well with me.  I feel like a part of the person, call it charm or charisma or uniqueness that is in each of us, is stripped off from them.  I see a beautiful person, perfect teeth, hair, jaw line, nose, cheeks, hair, and body BUT the personality of the old person isn't there, it's a completely different looking person.  I don't know how to explain it, but it seems their personality kind of change/disappear after each surgery.  And they go through A LOT of surgeries.  I didn't like it.  I much prefer makeover when beauty is enhanced, I don't like surgical make over.  I think many viewers echo the same sentiment because the show was short lived.

I have imperfect eyes :-) they were uneven, just that and I didn't like it because it makes me feel less normal.  Looking at old pictures, if I was to knit pick, there are host of imperfections about me ! my uneven eyes, the moles above my lips, the hair on my arms, my short forehead, my barely there nose bridge, my unruly coarse hair, and the obvious, my shortness !  I'm so so so far from media's beauty standards !!!  But I am not bound by worldly standards.  Thank you JESUS !!!!!  Christ came to set us free from "slavery" so why put ourselves under another's control and standards.  If we chase this invisible force we can never find the satisfaction we hope for.  

I read somewhere that if we are not comfortable with our inside, we will never be comfortable with our outside.  There's truth in it.  And the beauty of allowing God to help transforming me from the inside, is that I learned to love and cherish me because I am truly fearfully and wonderfully made !  Transformation is a life long process but oh my heart is excited with each revelation. 

Like clockworks, the day I found out I'm pregnant, within weeks, nausea came sailing in.  Pregnancy morning sickness isn't just morning for me, it is ALL day and night.  This one is bad, although I remember feeling terrible with the previous 2 too.  I can't eat, can't stand smell of meat, can't stand any smell in general and feel like I'm at sea all day.  If you ever experience sea sickness, this is exactly how I feel.  I found myself pinching my arms from time to time to distract me from the awful feeling I'm experiencing.  I think the nausea might be worse than giving birth !  At least with giving birth you see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I don't think contractions and the pushing part takes longer than 2 days.  With nausea, it lasts for days and months and there's nothing I can do to ease it.

Currently I'm taking diclectin but I don't think it's doing anything.  Maybe it is making the sickness a little less worse, but I don't notice it.  My doctor said I can triple the med. but I remember when I doubled it, I was so drowsy I can barely function, I think triple it would make it worse for me.  One evil or the other, I would rather not be under the influence of med.

Due to the nausea, I can't take pre-natal vitamin.  I tried breaking it up and tried kids vitamins and all made me feel worse so I cut them all out.  I try to take 1 folic acid pill every other day and try to take 1 pre-natal vitamin every Friday so I have the weekend to deal with the extra nausea.

I look forward to be able to eat again and to enjoy food again.  Right now I don't like eating nor drinking juice or milk.  I do force myself to eat 3 meals a day to make up for the lack of vitamins.  I crunch on rock salt here and there and enjoy chips.  All the bad stuff :-(  I pray that my baby will be ok.

"It's a PLUS, oh dear Lord !", I took some time to process the news before telling C.  C was sleeping when I creep up to him and say "we're having a baby", "HUH?" the blanket fly open and his head pops up, "No way!".  "Yes way, the test said so", I said, still trying to process this.  We hug and held on tight, oh mind, we're having a baby !

I feel happy !  and nervous at the same time.  I also feel a little bit panicky...the thoughts of going through everything AGAIN !  it should be a good thing, I mean how many times in our life can we do this right ?  I actually look forward to being pregnant but it's the thought of pushing baby out scares me sooooo so much.  The excruciating pain that no word can ever completely describe.  But the baby is HERE !  She/he IS REAL.  There's no going back and I can only thank God for this gift.  A part of me though, is screaming OMG OMG OMG OMG !!!!

I wonder if/how I can squeeze in another child into my heart, can my heart handle it ?  I love my 2 kids so much it burst at the sight of them, I don't know if it's possible for another.  I look at the girls sleeping, one on each side of me.  Even in their sleep they are attached to me, they want me, want to touch a part of me, either my arm or my back, their hand are touch me.  For them, having me near means safe.  A thought creeps in, that a 3rd child might take some of my love away, the girls will be with less of me.  Will they be ok ?  Will they accept less ?  I need to be sure to spend time with each and get to know them just us two.

C said to me, "3 is good, I am ok with 4 too!".  I know he's joking as for both of us, somehow this 3rd baby just close our family circle.  Our desire is fulfilled.  

When we told Bee that we will be having a baby, she screamed "no more baby !".  Then she cried and said "Baby cries, it's so noisy ! I don't like it ! why do we have to have a baby ?  it's enough".

She also said too much food in my tummy made a baby in there (I was debating if I should tell her what really happened). 

Lovebug, on the other hand, was so excited (like Bee was when we told her about Lovebug), "BABY, a baby, yay"!

The day after I mentioned it to Bee again and she still wasn't thrilled.  She went into the bathroom, found the pregnancy test and showed it to me, "what is it ?" she asked.  I explained to her the procedure.  She asked me to do it again.  The fact that she thought it's so cool that I peed on a stick, I thought this might be a better way to break the news !!! So I peed on it again and showed her.  Plus means pregnant.

"YAY ! it said a baby in your tummy.  That's cool !" she happily report with a smile.

So that's all it take to turn her mood around.  Me peeing on a stick.  Seriously.

Since finding out, I started to notice food adversions and the feeling of wanting to throw up.  I crave salty stuff.  I remember I like bread with Lovebug and lots of chocolate with Bee.  I did eat a lot of baluts with the two girls.  With this pregnancy, I feel constantly hungry and want salty stuff.  It's the start of it but so far it all feels familiar.  I wish I journal more during my 1st and 2nd pregnancy so I can compare notes.  Oh well !  One thing is for sure, this tummy will grow again for the next few months !

In recent years, around May and June, when the green buds are out, I find myself eyeing for new suppliers.  I have a good supplier already but I feel she's getting expensive.  She said her stuff is the best quality all around so "you pay for what you get".  We did two meet ups last year and in our second meeting, I noticed that mixed in with all the good quality stuff are some passable ones.  I was not impress.

I've been trying to plant some on my own.  It's a bit tricky as I don't understand the pruning process. I try to gain as much knowledge about this stuff as I can from my aunt, who loves gardening.

Vietnamese people loves gardening.  It seems most, if not all, the nammers I know grow something.  And everything they grow seems to flourish without the use of chemicals.  They all have a green thumbs and a garden to prove it.  My family likes to garden too.  Whenever we go on walks or driving somewhere, we would be talking/criticizing/admiring/comparing ours and someone else's turf.  I've been trying to grow for years now but so far, it's very little yield.  It's been challenging for me but I'm going to keep working at it !  Can't get any worse :-)


*nammer:  a term our Vietnamese families and friends used when referring to a Vietnamese person who just came over from Vietnam or someone whose lifestyle is very much like those living in Vietnam.*

Wonderful C would sometime come along with me on my shenanigans.  We would to on the lookout for the special green leaves.  I can spot the leaves from miles away.  It's has a very distinctive shape.  I did find a few houses with the greens growing out of their fences.  I told C if we come back there at night we should be able to pick them without consulting the owner.  If it's not on their land it's public property !  "Stealing you mean ?" he looked at me with a disgusted look and asked me "Are you that desperate ?", "Yes", I said.  One of the house is next to an alley, a perfect place to do a drive by.

Though I thought of it and suggested it, reality is I don't have the heart to do it ! The Jesus in me wouldn't let me sleep peacefully with that.   The whole idea of this "scouting" is to find new seller.  People who wants to sell their "surplus".  "Why are you so cheap ? just pay the woman, get your fix and be done with it." C told me, signaling he no longer wants any part of this craziness.  Might as well, he's not the best person for it anyways.  He doesn't love it as much as me.  He doesn't understand.  And it's not that I'm cheap, this is purely based on principle.  I don't want the lady to take advantage of me.  I was her first buyer and I was the one who told her there are many like me out there and suggested she post on craigslist.  She received an overwhelming number of responses and then jacked up the price.  I didn't even mind the increased price, but when she start to give the best to her major clients and give the "decent" quality ones to me  ?  we're done.  I deserve better figs.

Fig isn't like apple where you can eat it whenever you want.  The good kinds are never sold in store.  I've tried many times and the flavor just don't measure up to the homegrown kind.  Good figs are no widely sold or widely available, which makes them limited, highly desired and sought after !  People who has fruitful trees with good figs already have frequent buyers who return to them every season.  There's only about 1 month out of the year, Aug-Sept. that we can enjoy them.  When the fruits on the tree ripen I'm in fig heaven.  I can't wait to devour those luscious green pearly fruits, filled with sweet honey like nectar oozing out of "eye" (the opening at the bottom of the fig).

It seems I'm always scouting out for figs.  Whether I'm in a car, on the train, or walking, my eyes are always drawn to them.  There are many fig trees in my neighborhood but they aren't big ones, they bear just figs for their owner.  I need to gain access to a fruitful tree and an owner who likes to share or at least out to make just a bit of mula !  Not preying on my obsession !

Today I spotted a house from the train with 2 huge fig trees in the back.  I did a quick assessment of the property since I have perfect aerial view from up there.  The house looked uncared for, with lots of junks on the ground, on the side of house and the front yard.  It's probably rented and there's a chance the tenant might not care so much about figs.  I made a note to visit them in August.

This summer marked my 5th year with my fig tree.  I'm very excited that it bears about 50 fruits this year !  I promised 1 to a co-worker so there's 49 left.  I would have to share a few with my mom and C and the kids so that leaves me with 41 figs :-)  That should last me for 4 days if I portion it right, and follow it !!!  I can inhale 10 figs in one sitting easily :-)  Just a few more months friends, just a few and I get to enjoy these amazing fruits.

C took the kids and I out to Van Dusen garden for a walk.  Little did we know, Van Dusen is kinda huge, it's not for a stroll or walk, more like a mini hike !  Everyone I checked was in runners and here I am on wedge.  Yeah...I feel a bit out of place !  I really thought it's a just a stroll around the garden to look at flowers.  I should have google it up first.  Luckily my Aldo wedge sandal was very comfortable.  I can even run in it.

Down the path into the garden, on the left, was this beautiful walk way.  I was mesmerized by the golden canopy of Laburnum dripping down.  It's quite breath taking.  

After Van Dusen we went to Granville Island for lunch and birds watching !  The busker out in the open outdoor sitting area was playing/singing lots of old tunes (90s) which I highly enjoyed :-)  I managed to hum along to a few songs.

After lunch we took the girls to the water park there.  The whole park isn't in full operational mode but they got a few water holes going !  Enough for the few kids there anyways.  Bee was cautious while Love went right in.  Our baby, the 2nd one, attacks everything head first, a free spirit she is; while my first born is cautious, takes time to warm up to things/ideas then enjoy herself.  Kids are so interesting, they are born with certain personality and attitudes about them.  You take what kid you're blessed with and love them and try your best in helping them to grown and flourish.  

In the evening C suggested we go to Guu for my Mother's day dinner !  I want to take my mom out for dinner too so I told my brother to take her and meet with us downtown.  Guu on Robson is the best one out of the 3 or 4 Guu branches around here.  It's my mom and kids' first time there so hearing the waitress yelling our orders to the kitchen freaked them out !  Bee asked "WHY are they yelling ???  so loud" and my mom "I'm going def!".  C and I've been here enough time that we're oblivious to the sound :-)  We just want to eat :D  After an hour, our bellies were full and our taste buds thanked us !  We tried many dishes and each was amazing.  Today was an excellent day.

We all heard a loud thumb.  I glance over to see Bee and baby B playing.  She was either dodging or tripping over him because saw her went down and then sat next to the wall.  My other girlfriends were asking in the same time as me, concerned, Are you OK ???".  She didn't say anything.  Bee is shy like that, when there's too much attentions, commotions, looks, she just goes quiet.  I mouth to her "You OK ?".  She nodded.

I puzzled, if she's ok, what was that loud thumb ?  I asked out loud, "Did anyone fall ?"  Then I saw Bee ran across the room into C's arms.  My daughter is hurt.  She must have bump something. I walked over to them. About 3 steps away.

Then I heard C said, "is that blood?", I was like, she must have bit her lips.  C checked her mouth, we didn't see anything.  Then C moved his hand away from her face and I looked at her head and C hand and there was blood gushing out.  My heart sank and went into panic mode.  Her hair was drenched in blood. I was on top of my lung, "BLOOD !!! Oh my gosh blood, Collin take her to the hospital".  I don't remember how loud I was or if I was screaming, but my friends told me to calm.  Love ran to me in tears.  I must have scared her.  I was shaking and C already took off to the hospital (our friend's was a block away from the hospital).

I left a tearful Love with my girlfriends while Kim took me to the hospital.  I ran out of the house and have no idea of where I am.  I lost my sense direction.  Everything was a blur.  I kept walking. My head was whirling around about my baby,  She's loosing so much blood, did she faint on the way ?  Did she cry ?  Is she scared ?  She must.  Oh my sweet sweet baby.

Kim ran out after me, she was yelling at me, directing me where to go.  Cars were whizzing past us.  Stay on the sidewalk I reminded myself.  We can't afford anyone else getting hurt today.

Minutes that felt like hours and we were at the hospital.  I ran in looking for her.  We were running the whole time I think.  I have no recollection.  I saw C holding her head at the triage counter.  The nurse yelled at me, "You're her mom ?  Can you sign her in ?"  I came over.  She needed Bee's carecard and while I was looking into my wallet, for the first time I saw my shaking hands.  I couldn't steady it.

C was done and came over and handed the care card # to nurse.  We have to wait.  Why are we waiting ?  Her head is bleeding.  Do they not see ?  Bee just lay there on C's chest.  C told me, she asked "I am going to be dead?".  She seems OK, I'm a mess.

A nurse and a doctor came and took Bee into a room.  I went in but the smell of blood is making me nauseous.  Kim took me out and a nurse told me to wait in the waiting room because moms get all anxious and it's not good for everyone.  I keep on smelling blood then Kim told me, there's blood on your hand, go wash it.

My hand was covered in dried blood.  No wonder the smell is so strong.  My poor girl.  She's bleeding so much.  I cried and told myself to pucker up.  I need to be brave for her.  I went back to the waiting room and went to check on her.  They were still on the waiting bed.  Where's the doctor ?  I mean, she's bleeding here ?  Then what felt like hours, the doctor and the nurse came back with a tray.  She needed stitches.  Oh my Lord, she has to get stitches.  My baby.

I heard her cried for the first time tonight and my heart ache.  Like the kind you want to pull out of your chest so you can dull the pain.  Then it all stopped.  She stopped crying, 3 stiches and she's done.  They said we can bathe her right away (she's covered in blood).

She looks OK.  I hug her and we went to pick up Love (who's already asleep) and went home.  I gave her a sponge bath that day and we all went to sleep.  It's been a tough day.  

Next morning, Bee was up and I asked her if there's any pain and she said no.  She was her usual self, no pain, no discomfort.  She was running and screaming with her sister by noon.  She told me, "the doctor put more holes in my head (stitches), isn't it cool ?  it's awesome right ?" she pulled her hair apart to show me her scar.  She's really proud of it while I feel so bad that she got stitches !!!  I feel horrible. 

Bee told me later that she hit the corner of the wall because while dodging baby B, she tripped on a towel on the floor.  It's an accident.  I know it wasn't something I can prevent but it's all the same.  As a parent, I feel responsible anytime our child is hurt.  When I see her run I freak out inside !  I know I have to let her be a kid too, can't stop her from running or climbing on things !  I know she will get bumps and bruises but hopefully no more stitches.  

Here we are the morning after !  the little one is all happy and the hurt one is in a deep sleep !

All these talks about Mayweather and Pacquiao make me miss my uncle Hoa.  He would have love to watch it.  You see, uncle Hoa used to be a boxer in his younger days.  He was good, he told me, really good !  Whenever we're over for family gathering he would jokingly throwing punches at my husband, "can you handle this ?" he asked, trying to provoke him to play fight.  Uncle loves to watch boxing and any kind of one to one match.  Anyone who sits down with my uncle for a few min. can tell through his broad smile that he loves boxing and it makes him happy.

Another passion of uncle is his love for music.  He self taught himself piano and  guitar and would spend countless hours learning songs.  He can sing too.  His voice was deep, with a lot of vibrato.  It's warm and heartfelt.  I miss hearing him sing.  I miss his loud laugh and his eagerness to share the news he read.  "Chau biet khong..." (Did you know...) he would ask me and then went right on with the answer.  I can't believe it's almost 3 years since he went to be with the Lord.

It's interesting how when we remember people , we remember the things that make them happy.  It's infectious because my uncle's happiness allowed me to share the brief moment of joy with him.  We remember joy and laughter.  A reminder for me to do what makes me happy and to share happiness with the people around me.  Life is short.