I'm a straight as an arrow type of person.  What you see is what you get, no agenda, no game, no anything.  I am not malice or cunning.  If I come across as one, then you're giving me way too much credit !!!  I have a hard time fibbing, even white lie, and never would you see me sucking up to a person.  Not that I don't want to ;-)  the thoughts and desires are there, it's just I don't feel right saying anything that isn't truth !  Often the Spirit in me would whisper, "don't do it !!! it's not who the Lord made you to be", and I listened.

I feel at this age, almost half of an average of a life span, I am still learning how to communicate effectively.  I assumed people know my intentions, and it proved over and over again that's not the case.  I need to constantly communicate my good intentions in words and actions.  This week, being on the outside of the fence, witnessing some unkind words and twisting of facts between people at work, it made me feel crappy.  I don't know why people do that :-( whatever they think they are gaining, I feel they lost a lot more.  They lost people's trust, respects, and worst, people don't want to be around them, and steer clear at the sight of them.  Seeing all these unfold in front of me, it made me think hard about how I communicate.  Our words are so powerful, more than we even know.  We can put a smile on a person's face or shame and crush their spirit, all with words.   Proverbs 15:1 came to mind, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger".  It is so true.  A great reminder for me to think hard before I speak.  Are my words building up or crushing down ?  It's always always better to encourage and lift someone up because it has a longer lasting effect on them, and it flow to the people around them.  I know this first hand, being the one who received kindness and gentleness.  Dear Lord, oh how I desire to be more like You !

  

The sun shine its' glorious light over our city.  I am thankful for such a beautiful day.  After so so so so many dreadful gray and rainy days, I welcome this sight with wide open arms.

Peanut and Love are fighting a cold so we decided to stay home (instead of attending church) and have an easy Sunday.  We slept in and laze around in our pyjamas until pass noon.  Mr. C started to fidget, a sign to me that he's done with just chilling :-)  I know he can`t stand sitting around, and sure enough, he coerced the girls to go outside, to help him with yard work.  If you know our girls, you know how much they love being in the outside !  In a flash they were dressed and out.  Peanut ran after them, whined and pointed to their direction, and so with the loudest groan I can utter, I bundled us up and went to join the gang.

The outside is bright, warm when in the sunlight, and with a bit of a breeze.  The air is fresh and crisp.  Our girls are on their bikes and chasing each other round and round in circle.  Baby Peanut pushed on me to put him down and off he went, with his arms flapping like a penguin.  The first thing he did is joyfully digging his clean hands into the damp soil.  He attempted to eat dirt and wood chips a few times just before I quickly snapped them away from his grip.

The heavy snow fall this year damaged many of our fancy ornamental grasses and the crows just love digging through our front and back yard.  They love ripping up all the grass and chowing down on the fat chafer grubs underneath (European chafer beetles).  These grubs are not native here so getting rid of them has been a loosing battle for us.  We might just fill a large part of our yard with wood chips !  Easier to maintain.

In the span of about 2 hours:  we had a hot chocolate party with strawberries, we played store (the girls are shop owners and I am their customer), we chased and watched Peanut stomped around, we went on the swing, monkey bars, slides, and I sat back and watched the girls rolled around on top of giant balls soaking in the sunlight.  They're so happy !  I grabbed my camera and snapped some pictures then quickly put it away, out of Peanut's grasp.  Mr. C managed to scrape up all the dead grass, trimmed the ornamental grasses, and cleaned up all dead leaves and falling branches.  We discussed our plan for the yard, what we want to eat for dinner, what we look forward to comes summer, and on and on and on.

There's nothing spectacular about today, except the wonderful Mr. Sun, everything is pretty ordinary, very mundane.  But my heart, my full heart, is very content and joyful.  As my daughter Bee would say, "Jesus made me like that!".  Joy and peace are 2 of the fruits of the spirit !  These are the byproducts of following Jesus.  Woo hoo !  I am secure in Christ, secure in His promises and faithfulness.  Jesus' love, peace, joy, and goodness can be experienced in all things, in all situations, and they can be found in all the mundane of the day.

Here I am in my PJ, wrapped in a scarf (maybe it's a blanket ?  I am not sure, it's huge, but was sold as a scarf ...fashion is strange), listening to my kids competing with each other for my attention, competing to tell me their stories.  While I go about my mommy duties, I can feel my soul and spirit being embraced by my almighty God.  There are so many things to be thankful for.  To be here, under this sun, safe in this place, watch my family going about their ways, and to witness the changing of the season is simply beautiful.

 Spring is a time to sow.

If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.

When I read this the first thought in mind for me was relationships.  Any relationship that we have, each in itself is a kingdom.  The "kingdoms" in my life are very important to me.  Most important of all is my relationship with Jesus, then my family and friends.  Those kingdoms cannot keep strong and remain steadfast IF I don`t foster and protect it.  

My faith life is what keeps my life in order so it's priority to me.  It might sound like a lot of work but I feel like being a Christian, our relationship with Jesus is like breathing.  You just do it automatically.  I don't know how to explain it, but my thoughts communicate with Jesus !!!  Does that make sense ?  Think of a trait of you, like you love dogs, you are just that because that's how you are, that's how Jesus is to me.  He's just a part of my being, my soul.  Living in a world full of obvious temptations and the not so obvious ones, I need my heart and head in check with Jesus.  As for my marriage, my husband is my life partner !  this is someone who will be with me until I return home to Jesus, I cannot let anything come in between us.  To me that means no secret, no lies, no self greed, and anything else that can cause a crack in the wall of our marriage.  As for our family, our kids, we want to protect and keep them ! We must learn to love them unconditionally and give them our precious time.  Time will allow us get to know them and let them get to know us.  For us, this also means we don`t put our work or career ambitions or any other things in higher importance than our children. They are our priority.  All these little kingdoms together make up united kingdoms :-)

Strong relationship are build on firm foundations, made up by grains of time we spent together !   joyful times as well as troubled turbulent times.  This is true for our faith life, our marriage, family and friendships.  I thought about my work place too.  We all play a role in keeping it a healthy place to come to everyday.  Don't follow the mass and always steer away from office gossip !  always choose to be encouraging and supportive of others and don`t take things personally.  

3 a.m.

Can't sleep.  So excited to come back to work after a year of hiatus (mat leave).  While I know I will miss my kids immensely, a part of my brain is ready for some challenging activities.  Stay at home mom is a lot of work and stressful.  I feel like I'm always on the go, keeping up with my active kids.  Work will give me some needed balance.  My brain gets the stimulation it needs, I am forced to get out of my pyjamas and I get to eat lunch undisturbed.  Woo hoo !

I love Thanksgiving, the day off from work, family get together, and best of all, a specific day dedicated to giving thanks !  It encourages all of us to take out time to count our blessings.

I have heard of intentional thanksgiving countless time and took it to heart how important it is to be thankful.  I have always been thankful to the Lord for the family I have, our health, our friendships, and the job I love.  It's something I carry in my heart.  However, saying "thank you for..." and really giving yourself the time and space to think and fully absorb why you are thankful is quite different, well, for me at least.  I only been making time for intentional thanks giving in recent years and it's quite mind changing.

I don't always go to bed feeling all content and blessed.  Some night I lay in bed feeling upset or frustrated or tired or worried.  Things that are trivial in the day time, can become greatly magnified when I am in bed, when the noise is off and I am just there with my thoughts.  Soooo....when I start to pray, it's quite easy to start pouring out on all that's unfair, all that's wrong, to the Lord.  My prayer sounds more like a letter of complaint more than a conversation with God.  BUT, since making thanks giving priority first in my prayer, and just lingering on at this phrase, giving it more time and thoughts, (before moving on with prayer requests) I noticed it changes my perceptions of things.  

At the start of the prayer, I would list out what I am thankful for.  It start with one thing, then usually that one thing linked to another and then another, and somewhere during this time, the attitude of my heart change.  I don't know how to explain it, it's the mystery when conversing with the Almighty !  I just know it to be true.  I can feel the Lord telling me heart to be at peace and cast all my cares on Him.  If I was upset or frustrated, I am now more calm and collected and gained new insights of the situation.  If I was tired, well I am still tired :) but I see purpose to my tiredness (I am growing a family after all and that takes efforts and plenty of sweats) and understand that it will go away with a good night rest.  If I was worried, I am reminded of all the times Jesus provided, how faithful He is.  I might feel I am at a dead end but He's got a way out.  HE ALWAYS have an awesome plan for me.

I understood now why we give thanks first !  because it takes us out of the little black hole we are currently in and shows us a bigger picture.  Remembering how the Lord took care of me in past circumstances gives me hope for whatever trials I am facing.  By focusing on giving praise and thanks, it changes my perceptions of the situation I am in, changes my attitude, changes my approach, and in the end, changes the course of my prayer.

While I don't always go to bed with a smile on my face, I always always wake up feeling grateful and peaceful.  It's a habit I do so often that it's slowly becoming a part of me !  I give thanks throughout the day,  thankful for the break in the rain when I walk home with Bee from school, thankful for long nap Peanut took so I can write this post, etc etc !  This is probably one of my favorite habit and one that I intend on keeping.

Us earlier on in the day, playing at the playground, petting dog, enjoying lemonade and hunting for eggs.

Maureen's voice sped through my brain, cut through over 10 years of stored memories, "the little sh*thead thinks he can get away with it!"

Mo, as we dearly call her, was telling me how her son was trying to get out of trouble, to which I don't remember the exact details.  I don't know why I remember that exact phrase, perhaps it perfectly described how she felt then and I stored it away for day like today.  My two kids were exactly, I'm afraid to say, that.

If you know me I rarely curse since 15.  But sometime, just sometime, when you feel so crazy frustrated, angry, annoyed and amused all at the same time, a curse word seems to be the only word that can express how you feel, to take the edge of it, to release some steam.  That's me today ! I looked at my two kids rubbing their shirts on the wall in the changing room at the pool.  I told them not to touch the damp wet walls and they decided to rub their shirt and the arms of the shirt on them, to see how wet those walls are !!!!  I moved them away only to find their newly washed feet stomping on a muddy pool of water on the floor.  "Muddy puddle mommy" they chanted !  More like gross murky water left behind from the people before us. Then they refused to put on their pants because I forgot to pack their undies.  I told them I am sorry and that we can put it on when we are home.  We need to put on pants to go out.  They reluctantly let me put on their pants then the little one unexpected yelled "haha daddy will like to see my bum bum".

After I changed them and moved on to me, before I can slip my t-shirt pass my head, the eldest one goes, "can we go out now ?  Daddy is outside".  I told her they need to wait for me.  In that 2 minutes, they bent down to look outside the changing room, jiggled the door handle, pushed each other, and rubbed their body on the door up and down.  Whatever the hell happened ?  I didn't give them any sugar.  Sure we had lemonade made with honey at 3:30pm but it is now 9pm, surely it must have gone through their system already.  If not the 1 hour in the pool must have worked it off.  Where do they get all these energy ?

When we were out of the changing room, I told them to wash their hand since they touched everything in the room, including the floor !  While washing their hands they asked why there are so many hairs in the sink and then attempted  to touch them !!!  WHY ????  WHY ???????????????

My patience at that moment is running on negative.  Screw cleanliness and let them be dirty.  Seriously if they want to touch slimy foamy gross hair balls in the sink and want to jump in brown questionable puddle then go ahead.  I don't care any more!  

After they "washed" their hands, I asked them to dry their hair under the dryer.  They started to fight over who should use what while I put my head under a dryer to dry mine own hair.  When I turn to the side to talk to them, all I see was them inching away from me, walking out of the changing room.  They really know how to pissed me off.  I rushed out after them, asking what they think they're doing, they chirped "WE don't know English !  We only understand viet-tamese !!".  What little shi*theads!  No more swimming for you for a month.

Then the little one pulled down her pants, in front of a room full of people, and turned her bum towards C, saying "look daddy, no underwear !  mommy forgot!"    

All these happened in a span of 15 minutes.  15 super long minutes.

I jotted down this post on a notepad that night.  As I complete this post today (the next day), we are whispering "I love you" to each other over a sleeping baby.  Yeah, there are crazy moments with these kids for sure and surely it doesn't stop here.  However they are pieces that make up our beautiful complicated relationship.  

  

The girls were naughty today !  Bee emptied a half bottle of bubble bath into the tub, mixed it with water and told Love to flung the suds everywhere.  She happily complied !  I was upset at them but couldn't stay angry long because Bee said Sorry and followed it with "when someone say sorry, you have to forgive them".  My words against me.  I wanted them out of  the bathroom so I poured bubbles over them and they squealed in delight !  Not the reactions I was looking for so I poured more bubbles until they yelled "NO more bubble!".  While trying to clean up all the bubbles, the kids started to squirt water on me so I sprayed them back with a bit of cold water.  The cold water was all that's needed to end their frolic and they promised not to do this again. 

After getting them cleaned and getting the bathroom cleaned, I found myself rambling on about how could they do this and how Bee should know better.  Bee must have heard me because she came to me and handed me a paper.  She drew me a picture of a broken heart and 3 stick persons with our names.  She said our hearts are all broken (over what happened).  I saw an X with arrow in the middle of the heart and asked what it is.  She said, it's the because the heart cannot fit back together.  "What can we do to put it back together ?"  I asked her, and asked her what she think will mend it.  She said "we say I love You and hug!" and we did just that.  Even though the picture was of my broken heart (because I'm upset), their hearts are broken too because they're sad that I'm angry at them.  Bee is like that, so darn sentimental.  She's so sweet, how can one be mad at her.  All is forgotten !

The girls' energy were still high so they were wrestling with each other.  I never like them wrestle because someone will surely always gets hurt.  So I suggested they have a hopping contest !  I took out my old leg warmers for them to use.  The warmers were so stretchy, they're perfect to be worn like a tube on each girl.  With their legs tight inside the warmer, they hopped from one end of the house to another !  once they fall it's so hard to get up.  We all got such good laugh from this.   We shall do this again !

The Lord answered many of my prayers throughout my life.  From health issues to employments, He's always been faithful !  In time, I've come to see and acknowledged that His plans always are better than my plans and expectations.

Some prayers take a while for us to come to the realization and understanding what His answers are to our prayers.  I thank God often for His long term and wide view plan for me.  He listened to my prayers, acknowledged them and worked out His plan to get me there.  He rarely give me what I originally asked for, but always replaced them with something better.  He held me in higher regard and credited me more than I do to myself.  Always the best for me.  It is always always like that with me and Jesus.

The few times He answered my prayer right away are ones that made me smile every time.  They are not grand requests but trivial ones, but nonetheless, I must have felt they are important enough for me to plea to the Man Up there.  The very first incident that I remember, is that I bought a very expensive item and lost the receipt.  I searched our house everywhere and it was no where to be found.  I got mad at myself for buying things when I'm not 100% sold on it.  I don't want to keep this ! I need to find that stupid receipt.

While getting ready to leave our house, I pleaded with God desperately to help me find the receipt.  I went over to the shoes closet to grab a pair of shoes.  I thought I should wear my brown boots as I haven't worn them for a while.  I reached far back in the closet for the boots and for some reason put my hand inside.  Lo and behold, out came the receipt.  I freaked out and can't thank Him enough.

Staying on this theme of lost/missing items :-)  the second time I remember I needed His help was when we were rushing to Alpha class.  When I got up off the sofa to leave, the button from my overall popped off!!!!  Grrrrrr !  Why now and why right on my shaggy carpet ????  I frantically ran my hand all over the carpet and I couldn't find it.  I don't want to change !!!  I move my fingers inch by inch over the carpet hoping to cover all possible area.  Then I remembered my shoes' receipt prayer and started to pray for help.  Right then, right after I opened my eyes, I reached out into the shaggy rug and my fingers got hold the button.  Just like that.

Today is another one of those.  Nolan lost 1 cute sock shoes.  I searched for it this whole week and it's no where to be found.  It's a baby sock, meaning it's small and can easily be lost.  I lost the girls' and my socks all the time.  I never bother to look for them but this time is different.  I want Nolan to wear it to an up coming event and don't want to buy new one.  I thought I might suck it up while vacuuming.  I love vacuuming and sometime I just let the machine suck up anything in its path.  I used 2 vacuums, one is the clear bag-less and one is with bag.  I looked into the clear bin and checked the hose, nothing.   I opened the bagged one, dumped out all the garbage inside, no sock shoes but did recover Anna's shirt, the one no one missed.

I search the house again this morning.  Maybe it got stuck inside a piece of clothing ?  I search the girls' dressers and found a big nothing.  I have searched every nooks, flipped up the rug, looked under the bed, under all tables, moved the sofa and dressers, opened everything that can be opened and still, not a sight of it.  I hate loosing things.  The shoes socks are so cute on Nolan and now there's one lying in his dresser missing it's partner.

I sat in the home office.  I've been in here 4 times already.  C was holding Nolan with those socks the day one went missing.  The office and the living room is where he frequented so if it fell off, these 2 rooms has the highest probably of concealing the lone sad sock.  I searched the living room like 10 times already so thought I try the office again today. There's not much in here to search.  I moved the computer tower, the paper cutter and the AC and all are cleared.  I sat and stare into space.  Where can it be God ?  Can you please help me find it ?  He always so good with finding things for me.  I smiled inside, hoping He would go "poof" and placed the socks in front of me !  I sat down looking under the table, it's a normal height table so if it's there you would see it.  I thought it was silly of me to expect God just to put it there.  I gave up hope and when I was about to stand up, right there, right about a foot to the right side of me, lie the sock.  I freaked out momentary because that's just freaky, in the awesome kind of way.  Thank you Jesus !  My heart leaped for joy.  I found the sock.  It was caught into the hidden wheels of the AC.  No wonder I didn't see it until I sat down on the floor.  

I feel the need to write this down.  This is a reminder to me that every prayer sent upward is being listened and heard.  Even the trivial stuff mattered to Him.  If He cares about those, imagine how He is when it comes to stuff that are consequential to us.  When it comes to prayer like this, when things are lost, He answered my prayer right the moment I finished to let me know, "Yeah, I heard you !" and to bring an awe and a sense of wonder back to into me.  I forgot how marvelous and wonderful He is.  He's reminding me He's still here, still walking with me, so don't loose sight of Him.  He understood my feeling.  Loosing stuff sucks.  He doesn't like to loose anything either, this I'm sure, especially people.  

Pork belly with pickled ginger

After the birth of each of our baby, the day I come home from the hospital is the day my mom would sit down with me and remind me of all the things I can and can't do.

This week I heard some new things I never heard before.  I find these cultural rituals kinda silly.  She told me to get out of the kitchen when she's grinding meat.  The sound is bad for me as it shakes my nerves !  But she said once my hormone is back to normal then it should be ok.  I have no idea when that is and nor does she.  Maybe in a few months ?  I left her there and proceeded to re-arrange a shelf in our dining room sideboard.  Within seconds she rushed over and nagged me.  She said lifting or pushing anything heavy now will damage the strength in my hands and my veins will pop up underneath my skin, making my hands unsightly.  I complied, to avoid her nagging, then proceeded on with what I'm doing when she's out of sight.

Fortunately for my mother, and her heart, I've kept her from knowing all the things I've been doing and eating.  I don't believe in any of those folklore !  She said they are to prevent ailments in my golden years.  They don't make any sense to me.  BUT if she's right, I wouldn't know it until I'm old and by then it's too late and I will say "oh, only if I listened to mom" :-)

These are what I'm to avoid after I gave birth:

-  Avoid drinking cold water !  I can't stand room temp. or warm water.  I guess I'm doomed to be chilled for the rest of my life.

- No bathing for a month.  I bathe right after baby is out.  It's gross if you waited that long.

- No reading book or devices (phone/ipad) or TV to prevent vision loss when old.  I went onto fb to post baby picture on the day of giving birth !  ooops.
- Avoid standing near the stove (???).  I went on a banana bread baking spree days after.
- Avoid eating fruits/food that have warming characteristic (mango, lychee, chocolate, etc)
- Don't wash my hair too often !  This she doesn't need to tell me because it's not like I have time to do that everyday anyways.
- Avoid exotic fruits
- Not to go out !  Baby and I should stay home the first month to gain strength (avoid sickness, etc)

What I'm nagged often to do:

- Eat lots of ginger to get the uterus contract in faster
- Bind my stomach
- Eat pork belly or pork hock to encourage milk production
- Drink warm water
- Eat soft food (to avoid constipation > this makes sense)

While I don't listen I'm thankful for my mom.  If anything, it makes our conversation more interesting and I also get a glimpse into the past, into my mom's and grandma's time.

Baby is now full term and is the size of a winter melon, according to most baby websites.  I think I frequented over 10 different sites to see what they said about baby at week 37, to see if there's anything different.  The suspense of when baby will make an entrance into our world is killing me.  The anxiety, the anxiousness, the excitement of our meeting, the anticipation of contractions...it`s not fun at all.

I haven't have much sleep the past couple of weeks.  Even while working, I was functioning on 3-4 hours of sleep.  I felt fine though.  I still have lots of energy but moving around is starting to get difficult because baby head is down.  I need help getting up and rolling out of bed  :-)

I`m on "vacation" this week, and then mat leave will kick in the week after.  I should be resting and getting ready for baby but I just can't.  I find myself looking for things to do !  I find myself login into work, re-organizing stuff around the house, reorganizing my closet, and have to stop myself from wanting to vacuum all the time.  I feel at lost when I`m not doing concrete work, it feels like my day has no purpose.  When baby come it will be a different story but for now, I am not liking this very much.

Where are the kiddos ?  one is in school and one prefers to play on her own !  Lovebug was all about Lego and Playdoh.  We get to play a bit here and there which helped me with my sanity.  We napped together and also went out and play with the little snow that fell last night.  Come to think of it, I really only have about 3 hours where I wasn't doing anything...yet it felt like it was a long period of nothingness............When everyone is home I'm a happy clam !!!  Hubby told me he's happy to see me at home too, he said "It's nice you're home, because it's less worry for me, because I know you're safe!".  I know what he's saying, I don't want to go into labor in public either !!!  I just need to myself busy for the next short while...

I have very few friends at work, 2 to be exact.  Over the years, I learned, the less friends and the less you talk at work is beneficial in the long run.  When you keep everything professional and focus on your work, there's less drama and distractions.  I happened to like my job and like to spend time working !  Strange I know :-)  I try not to share too much about my personal life, where I live, what car I drive, what dwelling I live in, what my husband do for a living, etc.  I noticed the more you share the more criticism you will draw to yourself.  I always remind myself to keep those personal conversations to companies of few.

What I know now I learned from experience off course !  There once was a colleague whom I talked to often and naturally over the years we gotten to know more details of each other's lives.  It was great to know their hobbies, their up bringing, their opinions, their dreams.  Then one day another colleague kinda make a comment to me, about me, about things I know I didn't tell them.  I then found out that the trusted colleague whom I talked most to, often share my stories to some other colleagues.  That was hurtful and quite un-necessary.  It benefited no one.  It was rather just to have "something to talk about".  And I know, when a convo is repeated from another person, it's never 100% of what was said.  That was my first brush with office gossip.

What will come will come, it's inevitable.  Our organization is going through restructuring.  Everyone is replaceable.  It's not over until it's over so don't ever go making useless assumptions.  I try to stay away from fear mongers  !  We all need to work, we don't know who's going through what, or what other burdens they have, so we all need to be kind and thoughtful in times like this.  Know that it's not personal, it's all business.  There will be casualties, it's inevitable.  More talk = more fear = low morale.

Talk about morale, it's at obvious low around here.  I feel everyone is down and there's a sense of instability.  I've never been through it so this is very new for me.  The environment is a little different, I don't know how to say it, but there's a change in the air.  Good or bad I've yet to know.  I'm also off on mat leave soon so I won't be able to see how all these will pan out.  But for sure, after 1 year when I'm back things will be different from now.

The question comes up often when the pumpkins are growing orange in the field.  As Christians, do we or do we not carve pumpkin and dress up and go trick or treating ?

Here's the back history of this night:  http://www.history.com/topics/halloween/history-of-Halloween

I know many Christians opt out, and many goes to children's program at church, and many dress up and go out like us.

The issue here is not black and white and it's more in the gray area.  It's all personal choice and where you stand in front of God.  The short answer is, everything in this world belongs to Him and Him alone.  A man-made event or holiday doesn't make it a "bad" or "satanic" day.  Telling me I'm sinning for carving pumpkin and giving out candies or taking my kids out trick or treating is not going to change me or my salvation.  No one has that right but Christ alone.  I often pray and rely on my intuition when unsure of things.  When something is off or wrong, my heart is not at peace and I know right away the holy spirit is caution or warning me.  I don't feel any uneasiness with Halloween.

In the end, we all are free to make decission on such day without fear of people judging us :-)  I believe Christ love us just the same as yesterday and tomorrow.  I view it as a fun day for the kids to be with their friends, to parade around school, to be with other kids, to visit neighbors.  I remember my childhood with fond memories of halloween with families and friends.  Our families would gather together and my aunt Ninh used to put all of us kids in a garbage bag !  Yup black garbage bag with a slit cut out on the bottom and sides and we put it on like a shirt.  Then when older, I would be in pyjamas and use pillow case to use as bag.  Even if it's raining, my friends and I are out there drenched in the wet cold weather, trying to out number each other on candies collection.  It was fun times.  Maybe it was the era or the people I was friends with, but there was no booze or drug on halloween, not even fire crackers.

pumpkin carving and seeds separating !

trick or treating at the mall !  Cupcake store gives our mini cupcakes !  yum !

our lovely neighbor Marie packed a huge goodies bag for the kids and a sweet card for us !

excited to go trick or treating and showing off their costumes to our neighbors 

10 houses, they went to 10 houses, not even a complete block, and asked to go home.
Bee said she gathered enough candies.   It's good to know when it's enough and stop I guess !  

Today our family do the pumpkin patch visit, pumpkin carving, dressing up and go trick or treating.  We've always make it a family non-scary event.  I never like the scary aspect of halloween and it seems many parents, christians and non-christians alike, opt for the fun/cute/silly version too.  I see all super heroes, princesses, and other characters, but no witches or creepy monsters on the street or any that came to our door.

There is no loss or gain if you participate in Halloween or not.  You are not more or less of a Christian.  I am neutral about it, much like Valentine, an event with lots of sweet too !  It is just a day like every other day, the sun rise the sun set.  You choose to the make the best decission for your family and we for ours.  For our house, we serve the Lord, we meet our neighbors, we hand out candies to kids, check out their costumes and happy faces.  It's happy times all around.

Right behind me is where Bee likes to be whenever we're in a new environment.  She would hold onto me hand, freeze on the spot, and peer out at the other kids from my side.  Other moms and kids would smile at her, some approached her and said "hi".  I would nudge her to say "hi" back but nothing came from her.  I would respond to them in her place, "she's a little shy" and they nodded back at me as if understood.

English is my 2nd language, shy in Vietnamese can be taken as "quiet, cautious" and the other meaning is "embarrass".  To me it doesn't have a negative connotation.  However, after repeating it a few times, I realized I accidentally labeled my daughter, just so that I can explain to other why she doesn't respond to them.  I unintentionally gave Bee a "disorder" :-(  I felt horrible.  Bee has no issue.  She just need time to warm up to people.  She's cautious of her surrounding, of who's around.  She likes to observe people before opening herself up to them.  Which is a very good trait to have.  She told me she doesn't want to talk to people she doesn't know.  She said "I don't know them, they are strangers !"  Another excellent point !  and this is where I fail her :-(

I taught Bee about strangers, to avoid them, don't talk to them, and then here I am, unintentionally making her talk to people she deemed "strangers".  They aren't my friends or family so yes they are strangers to us.  She's too young to understand that it's ok to have a conversation with someone at the playground or on the transit or in a line up.  It all depends on the situation.  For now, at her age, I rather her treat them as strangers and stay away.

Lately I've just let her be.  She doesn't have to say "hi" if she doesn't want to.  When she doesn't respond to others, I don't feel the need to answer to them or say anything to Bee.  I need to respect her choice, the little control she has in her life.  Sometime someone will say to us "oh she's shy", I would just smile and say "she just doesn't know you".  It's been working well for us.  She doesn't feel she needs to answer them or to me !  Parenting is hard y'all !  I learn something new everyday.

I wish I have double eye lids.  What's that you asked ?  It's the fold above your eyes.  I only have 1 visible eye lid, so if you look at the image below, it's 1 semi-mono and 1 parallel.  It's rare to have 1 fold out and one semi fold in, but I got it.  Some day there are double folds but most day only one comes out to play.  This is I think, one of the 2 major asian obsession.  The other is high bridge nose.

My eyes was once a part of me that I long wanted to "fix".  If you're thinking 'cosmetic surgery' ? you are right !  WHHHAT ?  I know right ? me !  one who always talks about all things natural.  Sadly, i am not immune to insecurity.  And this eye thing is my biggest hurdle that I hoped to get over one day.  Sure there's double sided eyelid tapes, but I can't be bother with anything that isn't permanent.  I don't like to spend too much time getting ready.  15 min. is max for me.  Most days it's between 7-10 min. and that includes brushing teeth and washing my face.

Double eyelid tape.  Clear thin invisible tapes to glue the skin above your eyes together.   

Collin has been in my life as far back as I can remember, and he knows I've always been bothered by it.  He told me he doesn't even noticed it until I told him, and said that I should love the me God created.  I totally know what he's saying.  I have a very content happy life but I just think it would be better with double eye lids.  I have an OCD with things being straight and even !  With my uneven eyes, I just feel I will be pretty with 2 same eyes !

There was a time when I was afraid to look at people in the eyes.  Afraid that people secretly, in their head, think 'oh my gosh her eyes are uneven, that's so weird'.  I feel like I have a deformity on my face.  Of course it's all in my head, but that's how insecurity talks.

One impediment that is stopping me from going through with the surgery is that I am terrified of being cut up !  I can't imagine putting myself under the knife deliberately.  I mean, what if it went wrong and I was blinded on one side ?  What if after all the pain and it still look weird ?  Do I have to cut both eyes to ensure evenness ? What if it got infected ?  I've seen surgeries that went wrong and afraid I might be one.  My fear is a bit greater than my desire to be pretty.  Maybe when I'm older I can do it, I told myself.

Addition to fear, a part of me don't want God to feel like I am modifying the in-good-condition me that He made.  At the back of my head, the bible verse about how I am wonderfully made always come into play whenever I think about getting my eye fix.  So that's another deterrent.

As the days and years rolled by, I didn't get any more brave !  I can't overcome the fear of going under the knife, but what that time period gave me was the understanding of what "acceptance" means.  From people to life situations and to myself.  I learn to be more accepting.  I slowly embrace me, everything about me, all the imperfections.  As my faith deepen, as I read more God's words, I started to see me and get to know who I am more.  There are more to me than look, and there are much work to do with building up my inner self, to be the complete person God desired me to be.

I asked myself if changing my physical look would affect my quality of life, and if it would change my attitude.  Quality of life, none.  Attitude ?  probably, there sure will be a boost of confident.  Do I need it though ?  nope.  Perhaps this imperfection is here to help me to learn about acceptance, to humble me, to teach me to see deeper than surface, to learn to take confident of whatever exterior I was given, to be more thoughtful, to be kind, and to focus on higher things.  While I am on a journey to be all of that, I really like the person God is molding me into.  I'm more encouraged to be better.  I am excited for the work that has started in me and look forward to the person I will grow into, the wife, and the mother I will become. 

During this time, TV was showing this show called Swan.  While it's amazing to see the final transformation on reveal night, the whole concept of the show doesn't sit well with me.  I feel like a part of the person, call it charm or charisma or uniqueness that is in each of us, is stripped off from them.  I see a beautiful person, perfect teeth, hair, jaw line, nose, cheeks, hair, and body BUT the personality of the old person isn't there, it's a completely different looking person.  I don't know how to explain it, but it seems their personality kind of change/disappear after each surgery.  And they go through A LOT of surgeries.  I didn't like it.  I much prefer makeover when beauty is enhanced, I don't like surgical make over.  I think many viewers echo the same sentiment because the show was short lived.

I have imperfect eyes :-) they were uneven, just that and I didn't like it because it makes me feel less normal.  Looking at old pictures, if I was to knit pick, there are host of imperfections about me ! my uneven eyes, the moles above my lips, the hair on my arms, my short forehead, my barely there nose bridge, my unruly coarse hair, and the obvious, my shortness !  I'm so so so far from media's beauty standards !!!  But I am not bound by worldly standards.  Thank you JESUS !!!!!  Christ came to set us free from "slavery" so why put ourselves under another's control and standards.  If we chase this invisible force we can never find the satisfaction we hope for.  

I read somewhere that if we are not comfortable with our inside, we will never be comfortable with our outside.  There's truth in it.  And the beauty of allowing God to help transforming me from the inside, is that I learned to love and cherish me because I am truly fearfully and wonderfully made !  Transformation is a life long process but oh my heart is excited with each revelation. 

In recent years, around May and June, when the green buds are out, I find myself eyeing for new suppliers.  I have a good supplier already but I feel she's getting expensive.  She said her stuff is the best quality all around so "you pay for what you get".  We did two meet ups last year and in our second meeting, I noticed that mixed in with all the good quality stuff are some passable ones.  I was not impress.

I've been trying to plant some on my own.  It's a bit tricky as I don't understand the pruning process. I try to gain as much knowledge about this stuff as I can from my aunt, who loves gardening.

Vietnamese people loves gardening.  It seems most, if not all, the nammers I know grow something.  And everything they grow seems to flourish without the use of chemicals.  They all have a green thumbs and a garden to prove it.  My family likes to garden too.  Whenever we go on walks or driving somewhere, we would be talking/criticizing/admiring/comparing ours and someone else's turf.  I've been trying to grow for years now but so far, it's very little yield.  It's been challenging for me but I'm going to keep working at it !  Can't get any worse :-)


*nammer:  a term our Vietnamese families and friends used when referring to a Vietnamese person who just came over from Vietnam or someone whose lifestyle is very much like those living in Vietnam.*

Wonderful C would sometime come along with me on my shenanigans.  We would to on the lookout for the special green leaves.  I can spot the leaves from miles away.  It's has a very distinctive shape.  I did find a few houses with the greens growing out of their fences.  I told C if we come back there at night we should be able to pick them without consulting the owner.  If it's not on their land it's public property !  "Stealing you mean ?" he looked at me with a disgusted look and asked me "Are you that desperate ?", "Yes", I said.  One of the house is next to an alley, a perfect place to do a drive by.

Though I thought of it and suggested it, reality is I don't have the heart to do it ! The Jesus in me wouldn't let me sleep peacefully with that.   The whole idea of this "scouting" is to find new seller.  People who wants to sell their "surplus".  "Why are you so cheap ? just pay the woman, get your fix and be done with it." C told me, signaling he no longer wants any part of this craziness.  Might as well, he's not the best person for it anyways.  He doesn't love it as much as me.  He doesn't understand.  And it's not that I'm cheap, this is purely based on principle.  I don't want the lady to take advantage of me.  I was her first buyer and I was the one who told her there are many like me out there and suggested she post on craigslist.  She received an overwhelming number of responses and then jacked up the price.  I didn't even mind the increased price, but when she start to give the best to her major clients and give the "decent" quality ones to me  ?  we're done.  I deserve better figs.

Fig isn't like apple where you can eat it whenever you want.  The good kinds are never sold in store.  I've tried many times and the flavor just don't measure up to the homegrown kind.  Good figs are no widely sold or widely available, which makes them limited, highly desired and sought after !  People who has fruitful trees with good figs already have frequent buyers who return to them every season.  There's only about 1 month out of the year, Aug-Sept. that we can enjoy them.  When the fruits on the tree ripen I'm in fig heaven.  I can't wait to devour those luscious green pearly fruits, filled with sweet honey like nectar oozing out of "eye" (the opening at the bottom of the fig).

It seems I'm always scouting out for figs.  Whether I'm in a car, on the train, or walking, my eyes are always drawn to them.  There are many fig trees in my neighborhood but they aren't big ones, they bear just figs for their owner.  I need to gain access to a fruitful tree and an owner who likes to share or at least out to make just a bit of mula !  Not preying on my obsession !

Today I spotted a house from the train with 2 huge fig trees in the back.  I did a quick assessment of the property since I have perfect aerial view from up there.  The house looked uncared for, with lots of junks on the ground, on the side of house and the front yard.  It's probably rented and there's a chance the tenant might not care so much about figs.  I made a note to visit them in August.

This summer marked my 5th year with my fig tree.  I'm very excited that it bears about 50 fruits this year !  I promised 1 to a co-worker so there's 49 left.  I would have to share a few with my mom and C and the kids so that leaves me with 41 figs :-)  That should last me for 4 days if I portion it right, and follow it !!!  I can inhale 10 figs in one sitting easily :-)  Just a few more months friends, just a few and I get to enjoy these amazing fruits.

How hard is it to grow vegetables ?  Good soil, sun and water is all that's needed right ?  Right !  or so I thought.

3 years a go I approached gardening like how I approached everything in life - FULL of optimism.  When the last seed and seedling was sown into the dark rich soil, I watched my garden eagerly.  I pictured warm early morning, the sun barely up, the dew still on the leaves, me out in my garden, filling my basket full of ripe fruits and crisp fresh green veggies.  I don't understand all the talks about mulching and turning of soil and fertilizing !  People complicated things too much.  Anyone can do this !  I'm doing it !  Anytime now, I will have spinach and snap peas to munch on !!!

Days and weeks in to this new gardening hobby, after countless watering and talking and singing to the plants, my little garden is littered with tiny green plants !  They are full of life and full of leaves.  It's beautiful.  I can't wait to eat them.

One morning I went out to check on how the spinach is doing.  I bent over to look at the spinach patch and my heart sank at the sight.  All the green leaves I saw JUST yesterday, all the green lovely leaves I hope to put in my tummy, are now a field of stems and holey leaves !  There are holes on practically every single leaf.  What the cheerio is going on ?  I ran inside and consulted with my expert gardener, google, on this subject.  I typed "what's eating my spinach?" and got many answers.  It seems, there are many evil creatures in my garden that I'm unaware of.  Slugs, snails, beetles, to name a few.  Oh how I hate them !  This means war !

If it was indeed a "war" then them pests won and I lost terribly !  It was a surprise attack and I was cornered.  Those little buggers !  I didn't even know they were coming in troops and giving birth to more soldiers over night !  I looked for worms and snails everyday and killed many.  But I was just too too late in the game.  They multiplied over night.  HOW come I didn't see them coming ?  Was I blinded by all the greens and overlooked them tiny holes and slimy trails ?  Gardening is far from easy !!!! far FAR from it !

Our carrots !  They were small...like baby carrot size !  It was fun to play with but too little to eat and doesn't taste very sweet.  Maybe we pulled them too early  ?  We'll try it again another time.

In my 2nd year of gardening, still high on hope, I decided to plant "stronger" vegetables.  I planted cucumbers, tomatoes (fruit ?), beets, carrots and Brussels sprouts.  These bunch were easy going.  Sunlight and water did them well.  The cucumber and tomatoes were very fruitful.  I have more than our family can eat.  We even gave some away. 

What I was most excited about this year's gardening is the Brussels sprouts.  Such interesting plant.  My Brussels were doing well then one fine afternoon I noticed white web like stuff on a few of the leaves.  No matter now much I cleaned the leaves and sprayed it with my worm-killer mixture, the leaves had holes all over them.  Then the strong tough stems, one by one, went yellow and then ghastly whitish.  Life were drained from them.  We got lots of butterflies, which was a bad sign.  But we didn't know that right away !  We love them butterflies !  The Brussels sprouts fought for their lives but were dead vegetables within that week.   Mr. C had to pull them out because they were an unbearable sight.  I can't believe I was defeated again just like that.

I learned, the homemade pesticide I made wasn't strong enough to kill all those worms preying on my plants.  I didn't want to buy commercial pesticide and all the organic recipes I tried didn't work.  This is why there are organic pesticides (derived from natural sources, dissolved into the soil, isn't harmful to pet or plants) to help the plants.  I will consider them in the future.

Being the ever-optimistic person, I took my failure in stride.  I should have been more prepared, and read on each plant before I sow them.  There are so many resources and so many good tips !  like:  don't plant this with this, plant these together, water in morning only, etc. etc.  I must say though, I have a renewed appreciation for farmers.  Organic farming is NOT easy.  Gardening needs more than just good soil, sun and water !  The basic necessities are there to keep the plant going and help it grow, but it needs protection !  A lot of protection !  

Green beans !  Bee planted 2 next to each other !  why not !

Marigold to deter aphids !

A healthy growing garden is a testament of the dedication given to it by the gardener, all the attentions and care and countless tending hours.  It won't surprise me if they camp out and sleep near their plants too !  Being blinded by the idea of having my very own garden, I expected sweet returns from it with little work.  I should have known !  nothing good is ever easy.  There's just no such thing.  Great reward comes from hard work and dedication and commitment !

I am gardening again this year !!!  My kids helped with the sowing and digging !  They had a lot of fun and together we will guard over this piece of land.  I spoke to the lady at the nursery and got some advice on destroying garden pests.  I planted marigolds and set up snails/slugs traps.  I also got dried egg shells scattered around the perimeter too !  I don't know which plant will survive and which will die, but the process, the whole planting and watching and waiting and tendering and watering process, it has given me so much joy, so I win either way.  Ever the optimistic me :-D

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/aaron-gouveia/the-11-most-annoying-kinds-of-parents-on-facebook_b_5076834.html

I read it and giggle !  I see a bit of myself in all the types he listed !  He's got it spot on.  There's a bit of it in all of us, some more, some less.  It is what it is, and you just laugh about it.  I try not to post too much, and when I do it's about my girls !  I can't help it but I'm amongst friends so forbearance is expected from all :)  If you look at any mom and dad's fb page, there's surely a picture of their children !!!  We love our kids !  We like to share about them.  If it is too much, then there's always the hide button :-)  and if it's just unbearable then there's the "unfriend" button !  No one should feel upset over someone because they're posting too much.  It's their prerogative.  You have control over your page so you choose what you want to see more and what you want to see less and who you don't want to see.  In the same feeling, don't get offended or upset if you discovered you've been unfriended.  It's a social page, don't take it personally or too seriously.

If someone added me on FB I would take it as them wanting to be apart of my life journey with me.  As I am with them, in their many activities such as getting a new hair cut, new shoes, new car, new house, their favorite food, their favorite restaurant, their favorite band, their latest cake, their modeling pose, their love for hashtags, last night's dinner, selfie, the map of their run, work out pose, their beloved cat, dog,  fish, turtle, their dislike of traffic, their love for books, their thoughts on the world around them, their rants, their regrets, their dating life, their marriage, their kids, and everything else under the glorious sun.  Through their len I get a glimpse of the person, of their interests, their passions and rejoice in their life milestones.

The thing with social media is that everyone on it has an opinion and everyone "think" they're right :)  Pick and choose your battle.  Anything and EVERYTHING can be taken out of context.  A friend often nag me, "you're not responsible for people's feeling".  While it is true, I still think it's good to be considerate of others.  So there you have it, my take on social media, do what you like, what's comfortable to you, don't seek approval or acceptance, and keep it classy !  Social media is a good pass time if you use it sparingly, take it with a grain of salt, read with a sense of humor and most of all, be thoughtful of others. 

As mom of 5 and 2, I learned a few things about what makes kids happy.  One of them is that kids love to be outside and exploring all things big and small !  Little explorers are what they are !  Park, woodland forest, beach, open field or your own backyard are great places to take them.  I love seeing my kids digging into the sand or dirt, picking out leaves, rolling down the grassy hill, swinging, chasing birds, searching for clam shells, searching for worms, playing with sticks and rocks or just run around and around !  This is also great time to teach them about the world around them.  How wild flowers get planted where they are, the functions of bees, why the tides come in and out, why plants need sun and water, etc.  The kids also learn to count by counting rocks, leaves, birds, etc.  There are so many things to do and so many things to talk about to keep them and you busy !

When the rain is at bay here on the coast, we go the park or beach at least once week and out in our yard everyday, except when raining.  We started gardening again now that the weather is warmer and got both kids involved.  They both love it, mostly the digging and watering :)  My OCD kicked in a few times !  It's hard watching the kiddos planted seeds in crooked lines and all over the place !  I am so obsess with making sure everything is straight and even so them kids are helping me to slowly overcome it :)  I can't wait to see what will become of our garden this year.  Come summer we'll have beans, tomatoes, strawberries, cucumbers, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, and zucchini.  Come late summer we'll have spaghetti squash and figs !!!!  I counted, we have 46 baby figs so far !  46 baby !

The more we're outdoor the more I appreciate all those years in science class, learning about how nature works.  I do have to brush up on stuff now and then through google, but school did give me a good foundation to start.  When I explain to Bee how certain thing works, she would look up at and and say "you know so much mamas ", it makes me feel pretty awesome  :)  like I am superwoman !

When we take the kids out, the goal is for them to have fun, to enjoy themselves.  The great things about being outdoor is that, kids learn while having fun.  Everything is fun and amazing for them and everything you do and see is an opportunity to talk, to share, to educate.  Often, as I watch my kids playing in the glorious sun, I am also brought closer to nature, to our Lord, to this amazing feeling of wonder.  And the more we're outside, the more I see the desperate need to be good steward of the earth.

Around here, we are blessed with so many beautiful parks and beaches and green spaces.  Many of them are accessible by transit too so there's no excuse not to go :)  The weather is warming up so I hope you find time to get out there and soak in all the beauty around you.  I find myself in awe often when in the presence of vast ocean or clear blue sky or night sky littered with stars, nature does that to us, it humbles us.  And that's a very good thing !