I'm a romantic so naturally I hope to marry someone who is romantic.  You know, the dreamy main character in all romance books and movies.  I would imagine scene of me and Mr. Romantic walking hand in hand in the pouring rain, then out of blue he would turn and look deep in to my eyes, smiling with crystal rain drops dripping off his glossy hair, rolling down his chin, and slowly he would pull me closer, lower his head down to kiss me passionately...

Unfortunately, I did not marry for romance :-(  I love and marry Collin despite the fact that he is clueless to all things I deemed romantic.  No seranating of songs, room filled flowers, long walk in the pouring rain.  One time I asked C to go for walk in the rain, he said to me "I don't know about you Trace, but when it's raining, I like to get out of it.  Try it and let me know how it goes".  I did and lasted about 30 seconds.  I realized I'm not crazy about getting soaked either.  Those people in the books/movies are crazy for standing and embracing so long in the wet cold rain.

On our first Valentine together as a couple, I was so looking forward to all the Valentine stuff like roses, stuffed animals, candies, etc.  At 14, what girl doesn't like those stuff ?  Instead C came over with a dozen of paper roses.  I thanks him for them and pretend not to look disappointed.  The flowers that took C 2 weeks to put together, gluing each petal carefully one by one to form into a rose, lasted only a few months.  My mom thought they were a craft project I did at school and recycled them. 

The next Valentine together C out did himself.  He came over with the biggest of big flowers bouquet.  It was beautiful.  Fire and ice roses.  When I asked how much he spent, he refused to tell me but after bugging him about it, he told me the price.  I told him to please never ever spend this much on flowers again.  He said nice flowers cost money.  I told him it's a waste of money !  He was like "I thought you said you love flowers ?".  I guess I don't.  I only like the idea of them :-)

The beauty about aging is that I discovered and learned a lot of things about myself.  I REALIZED I am not the romantic person I thought I am !  how shocking right ?  I am NOT a romantic at all.  I like the mushy fluffy romantic stuff in books and movies BUT I don't care for them in real life.  I'm very practical and a realist.  I hate the rain (it ruins my curls), I never even lit one candle in our house (I don't like the smell and the flickering light), I think flowers are a waste of money, I'm not crazy about surprises or surprise gift, don't like public display of affection, and don't like those gross nick name (angel, precious, sweetie, darling, < just typing them right now gives me goosebumps).  And I'm so glad C put up with me and all my romantic notions !

What I discovered over the years knowing C, is that he's is sweet and romantic in a different kind of way.  He makes me stuff.  He buys me little treats he knows I like.  He's the quiet caring kind of guy who does things without flaunting it.  Many of times, his thoughtful gestures go unnoticed by me :-(  And to be fair, he does spoil me with fancy gifts, in which I always return the very next day !  I like them but they are not worth the money.  I rather buy a pair or 2 of shoes and keep the rest of the money in our account.  (I've collected too many shoes over the years that C swears he will never buy me shoes).

Talk about sweet, about a year a go, I was telling my bestie Kim how I couldn't fit into a pair of tights so I jokingly ask C to wear it to stretch it out for me.  I left the room to talk to her in the office then I went back to our room, looking for something and to my surprise, I found C sitting on our bed, in his boxer, playing game on the ipad with my tights pulled up only to his thigh (he can't pull it up any higher).  He's trying to stretch it out to fit me !!!  It was so sweet and very manly of him to do so :-D  (if you know C, he's a man's man, so to see him wearing my tights it's simply awesome and funny).

For a while I've been wanting a little garden to plant my own veggies and fruits.  Then one early Saturday morning, Collin woke up to to tell me he's heading out for a bit.  I assumed it's his usual Sat. morning routine > a trip to the coffee shop and Home Depot (or Rona).  By noon I didn't hear from him so I called to check in.  He was like "I'm in the back yard".  "Doing what ?" I asked.  "Building a garden, come out and look" he replied.  I grudgingly put on a jacket and went to look.  I can't believe in that short period of time he built me a small garden with wooden fence around it and already planted the blueberry brushes.  Nice.

Lately, being pregnant with our second child, I often feel drained and sleepy.  I really appreciate that C has been taking Kaila out to give me some time and space for myself, to rest and read and watch movies :-)  it's exactly what I needed, not a walk in the rain or flowers or fancy gift !!!

That's Collin.  Not outright Mr. Romantic for people to see but a practical sweet guy that just go about his ways.  I can live without all those fluff stuff because thoughtfulness is what makes a relationship worth while and makes it last.  Luke, a friend of ours, once made a very good observation of us.  He said on the surface Tracy seems like the romantic type of person but it's Collin that is the one that's romantic.  And he's right.  I guess I did marry Mr. Romantic after all.

While cleaning out my closet I came across some old pictures and diaries ! Since our anniverary is coming up, I thought it would be nice to venture back in time. Wow, reading these diaries gave me such a bad headache ! I was full of DRAMA.  I sure wrote a lot though.  If I knew you back then, you can be sure you had a page or 2 in the book. I still write a lot now too !!! Some things don't change !

Here's a summary on my relationship with Collin ! it's really long but we were together for so long, this is the shortest I can sum up of our years long courtship !!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Tracy first met Collin at church, she didn't know he was Mr. Right. She wasn't looking for Mr. Right. She was 10 years old. What does a kid know about the "right one" anyways at that age. She knew she didn't like him much though, from what she saw and heard about him.

Collin was full of attitude, very mouthy, a bully and a hyper kid, who, some how, always managed to get every other kid to listen to him.  They would participate in whatever silly games he came up with, or follow him where he goes and do whatever he does. He would pick on younger kids, stuff his mouth with food and play pranks on people. He was so bratty and Tracy disliked everything about him.

Tracy's family moved away, then a few years later, when they're both in high school, Tracy bumped into Collin at Johnny Zee's arcade. She found him less hyper, more calm, nicer, and looks better too. Although she did think his lips are too big for his head. Through the accidental meet up, they found out they have mututal friends. That summer they saw each other often and started to become friends.

One uneventful summer afternoon, Collin's friend, Flav, let Tracy in on a secret that Collin is interested in her. She wasn't sure how she felt about him. Despite her confident appearance, nobody knew that Tracy was actually a very insecure person who had many moments of low, and felt like she never fit in anywhere. Tracy also never had a real relationship, didn't know what it is about, didn't know what to do on a date, and had never kissed anyone. Being insecure, she was worried he might find out about the real Tracy so she just left it as that. She's not going to do anything about it. But with the friend keep on rooting for them, encouraging them to be brave and give it a shot, Collin and Tracy started to date.

It was all rosy for about a month, and then they go promising each other to be honest with each other at ALL.TIMES. It was the worst thing that ever happened. They fight practically every day, she would tell him what she doesn't like about him and he would tell her what he doesn't like about her.  She would tell him what to do.  He would tell her what to do. Honesty was so not the best policy.

Tracy felt that Collin was too tall for her and dresses too clean.  Collin thinks Tracy needs to wear less dark make up and needs to be less friendly to everyone she meets.

Tracy was naive, doesn't think about consequences and opinionated. Collin was too careful, over thinking everything and mr. know-it-all.

They tried to change each other and failed every time and each time their frustration level turned up a notch.

Tracy also spent countless hours crying because she was unsure if Collin still likes her or finds her attractive. Collin was going out of his mind reassuring Tracy everything is fine and that he still likes her much.

Then Tracy broke up with Collin because she was afraid he would break if off with her first. She's too prideful to let that happen.

Then Tracy asked Collin to take her back. And he did.

She then broke up with him again because she thinks he's a spoiled brat and cheap. Then they would get back together.  He's not cheap, just poor student with little money, working part time at Pizza Hut.  He's also not spoiled either.  Just a misconception.

There were so many things about Tracy that Collin doesn't like. There were so many things about Collin that Tracy doesn't like. So they broke up many times, but time and time again they found themselves back together. They realized they like each other very much despite all their imperfections.   They enjoyed each other's company and loved to talk to each other.  Their longest phone conversation was somewhere around 14 hours. 

There were more storms than sunshines at the beginning of Collin and Tracy's whirlwind courtship. But they kept hanging on, holding tight onto the commitment they've made to each other > to try their best to make things work and always keep the communication channel going.  Sometimes the future looks dim. They prayed a lot for their future.

As the days and months passed, instead of focusing on unpractical expectations, each other's outward appearance, and unrealistic ideas they filled their head with, they focused on getting to know the person, who Tracy and Collin really is.  They learned of each other's thoughts, hopes and dreams. What excites them, what makes them sad, what they hate most. What makes them laugh, cry and what they want in life. They grow together through their bumpy teenage stage and came out in one piece after, together, as expected.

From liking each other's as a person, they then falled in love with each other.  In their time spent together, their bond became tigher, they became a team and focused on the same life and faith goals.  They agreed that God has to be the center of their relationship, as He has been there for them supporting them from the gecko. He was the one that brought them together, closer and helped them bring out the best in each other. They both each have grown into the person that the other are proud to call their life partner.

And that "honesty" policy they had at the beginning of the relationship, though at times they thought was the worse idea, was actually a great idea.  It just needs to be done at a right time.  Despite the wrong timing, they kept it going and shared with each other often what's in their heart and mind.  They believe that by being honest with each other, they're keeping each other in check, accountable, and that if there's issue to work out, it can be done right away.  No bottled up feeling, anger or hurt was allowed.

They rarely argue now that they've confronted all the issues earlier on the relationship. However Collin and Tracy still disagree on a lot of things!  Simply because they are different people with different views.  Their differences add dynamic to their relationship, makes it better. It's quite fun not to think alike all the time.  They bounced ideas of each other and learned much from the other.  What was important is they shared the same life goals and agreed on the major things in life, like God and family. And they knew from experience it's the major things that count, that mattered, not the small stuff.

They were on a good track. After graduation from high school, Collin was thinking of becoming an auto mechanic and Tracy was thinking of becoming an accountant. They weren't really sure what they want to do, and weren't ambitious people.  They pray continously for God to help them find a career that they would enjoy.  They pray to make just enough, so they can save enough to get marry, to start spending their life together.

What they both didn't know was the LORD has a completely different plan for both of them, now that they're ready for marriage. And His plans were perfect and good.

If you're going to brag, please have something for show.  It's my pet preeve to hear people brag and brag and got nothing to show.  Why are there so many people with unrealistic view of themselves ?  not even a grain of modesty.  And feel no shame blowing up their own image.  And what makes it worse, is no one breaks out the honest truth to them that, um, "YOU SUCKED !!!"

OK, so there were a few times I do feel like I'm "IT" but trust me, it never last very long because I, fortunately and unfortunately, have a pretty clear idea of who I am and I also have people who make sure I don't get carry away with it. 

I've seen countless of bad singers on American Idols who came out crying and their friends would comfort them and most always, say stuff like "they don't know talent" !  I want to yell to them "Dude, they (the judges) don't know talent that's why they're making millions of dollars !!!".  "Dude, I saw your friends, I would never buy an album from him.  He sucked so bad !!!"

So, why aren't more of us give our honest opinion ?  BECAUSE we're POLITE !  because we don't care, we're not responsible for you.  Why would we go out of our way to point out your short comings when you think you're amazing ?  Why should we pop your bubble and watch your fall flat ?   We don't have time to deal with you > so we will never say to your face:  your party is boring, I want to poke my eyes out !  or you aren't that successful, or your design needs to have a design, your cooking sucks, you have no fashion sense, why are you bragging about what you have, your parents paid for it !  did you work and save for it ?  no ?  then shut it !!!!

Maybe I'm going through a phrase, where I about just have enough of people bragging about what they have, about their kids, about the amazing rocks in their garden !!!  I refuse to listen and waste my brain cells and time, which I will never never get back.  If you're good, if your work is great, if your creation is beautiful, if you're talented, if you're successful at what you do, PEOPLE WILL NOTICE !  no need to toot your own horn, no need put yourself up on a pedestal.  Parents, *take note*, please don't brag about your kids.  Because no matter how great your kid is, MINE IS BETTER THAN YOURS X 10 !!!  Joking aside, when you brag (different from being proud of your kids' achievement), you're opening door for people to judge your kids.  It's good to think your kid is great, amazing, one in a million, etc.  Every kid is unique and great, so please let's not lift yours up and put others down. 

I know I repeat myself alot of the kids and parents but I have annoying people I know who brags about their kids ALL.THE.TIME when their kids (adults) have nothing to show, has nothing great going on, can barely hold a job.  And it urkes me sooooooooooo much.  I know it's done out of insecurity but still, to sit through it is brutal and I so so so wanted to burst their bubble with a loud *BANG*.  I feel bad for the kids but I can't help disliking them in the same time because of their parents bad behaviours.

I know honest words are hard to swallow.  Like when my friends tell me the outfit I'm wearing isn't flattering, my home decor is boring, my hair is too big, etc !  Though tough to accept at first, I appreciate them all in the same time.  Friends that can be honest to you are TREASURES, they are GOLD !  being too blunt is a different story, but honest words with affection are always always welcome.  And you got take them with a grain of salt !  Because beauty and design is very objective, so these are what they are, COMMENTS, one's personal observation !  however they're not saying it for you to go changing !!!  YOU have to make that choice for yourself !!!

So upon reexamining it, it's true the dress I'm wore last is making me look shorter than I already am, so that will be stored away until I can get to altering it !!  as for my home decor/my hair, well I love coming home to my house, I love my big huge hair, and wish it can be bigger !!!  that's why it's my house, my hair NOT yours.  And knowing my friends, they would say "so be it, I love you just the same".  If I go bragging about it then that would be a different story.  No one likes a bragger.

When typing up all these I was reminded of Luke 14, when Jesus was at some important Pharisee's house (a group of people who think they're experts in everything and better than others, my own translation), where He shares about having compassion for people despite their status, their wealth, their illness, what is deemed "right" by certain group of people.  Basically, it's about being humble and not to think we're better than others.  Verse 11 said "For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."  It's true.  It happened.  And being the emotional person I am, no matter how much I dislike braggers, I often feel sorry for them when I either find out the truth about their situation or if someone knocked them down. 

I learned something while ranting about this topic !!!   God gives me wisdom to choose my battle and this is one I will choose carefully.  If I care enough and decided to honest to a certain someone I have to do it lovingly and not while I'm raging with annoyance and perhaps with jealousy just because I can't make my lips praise me as much as them.

Not all babies are born chubby.  Did you know that ?  it seems a lot of people out there doesn't.   I know it first hand because people always say to me with a puzzled look "your baby is skinny ! ????????"  A rhetorical question that makes me feel like the worse mother on the planet.

 

People would ask me questions like "does she eat ?", "do you have issue feeding her", "is she well", "do you use formula", etc.  I know many of them formula feed their kid (hence they're really big in size) YET somehow their comments make me feel guilty for breast feeding mine > The most natural way and best way I know for my baby.  When around the asian parents, they would comment stuff like bigger baby means they're healthier.   The caucasian parents are more polite, they would say stuff like "don't worry, she'll catch up" !  I think my daughter is fine the way she is.  My baby is healthy even if she isn't fat.  Who makes up that standard anyway ???

I do feed my daughter.  I feed her a lot in fact.  I don't know how to go about proving it because she's got little meat on her.  She's really active...if that justified anything.  I really don't know why she's not meaty or overweight looking.  Some day I let it slide, some day I found myself babbling on about what I fed her.  Thing is, I can't believe my daughter is already judged at only few months old.  I have to bite down my lips, not wanting to say some mean things back.  I don't know how many times I have to tell people "she eats, she eats a lot"  yes, despite what she looks like, she DOES eat and loves to eat !  I DO FEED my baby !  After countless times repeating myself, I gave up !

I wish I can say that those people's comments don't get to me because they do.  I find myself in a rut some times, slipping in a baby meal replacement here and there, and pray that she would put on a few pounds.  I just want people to leave us alone.  I am a good mom damn it !!!  I don't need to fatten her up to show to people how great she is, or how great of a mom I am.

As a woman, I realized our weight image and issue will follow us for as long as we live.   Which is quite sad isn't it ?  My Honeybee knows, and understands words now, maybe not the whole context of thing, but she understands words.  I just have to politely ask people to be careful with what they're saying around my daughter.  Today might be "she's skinny", in the future might be "she's overweight" or "she's chubby" or "she's short".  People need to guard their lips and careful about their words around kids.

I think we like to complicate things, making it into something more than what they really are.  For many of us, we can easily list out things we like to do, and who we like to do them with without having to give it much thoughts.   It's unfortunate that we take too long to go after them !  We tip toes around the idea, waste time playing games, over analyze, make way too many assumptions,  and something so simple is no longer so simple.  When feeling overwhelmed, I always have to remind myself to clear my head and get back to basic !!!  what do I want !  Us girls like to confuse ourselves and overthinking little things.  We all know what makes us smile, makes our heart flutters, makes us excited, what gets our adrenaline going, what wakes us up in the morning and what makes us happy.  Yet most of the times we let people dictate to us what we need to do to be happy or who will make us happy !  it's funny isn't it ?  they are not us but yet they act like experts in knowing exactly what we ought to do, what we're missing out, what we should try. 

Not all advices are bad !  you just need to filter through them, to determine if they are from a good friend, or from someone who is careless about your happiness.  Only words from a trustworthy friend should be taken to heart.  Sometime it's not easily to digest but you and I both know,  most of the times what they said are true and right.  At the end of the day, we know ourselves best and what is best for us.  Live honestly and we have little to regret !

I have zero experience in adult dating and breaking up.  I sympatize with my girlfriends when I can but often feel quite helpless in the advice department.  Listening is pretty much all I can offered and most often is all that is needed from me but what is a friend without a few words of advices right ?  After all we know our friends most and some time it helps having a 3rd set of eyes to give an observation into the situation.  What I lack in the dating department I do know in relationship, friendship.  The hurt and pain of loosing someone important.  I have had my fair share of people hurting me.  And one thing I walked away from it is to learn to LET GO !  I can't control the other people and how they treat me but I can control myself.  And myself is telling me I need to move on.  If I don't let go, it'll be something like emotional hoarding, taking up uneccessary space and choking the life out of your heart. 

One morning on the train ride to work I saw a clip on 24hrs newspaper on breaking up and sliding back in !  found it quite interesting, maybe not seeing every point eye to eye but nonetheless good to know !!!  here it is after much searching for the online article:

Braking the ‘breakup backslide’
by Sarah Rowland for 24Hours

Try this simple test: Ask yourself, “If I sit down for lunch with my ex, will hearing about his/ her new date A) grind my heart into minced meat or B) set me free, knowing he/she has truly moved on?” If the answer is A), then clearly, you’re not ready.

So before you start thinking of new and creative ways to reopen the lines of communication between you and your ex, be warned: There is no slope more slippery than the breakup backslide.

Here, then, are three classic regressive moves to avoid:

Banter baiting

This is when you try to re-engage your ex with private jokes and references. The underlying hope is to rekindle that intimate connection you two once shared. And you might think you’re being oh so clever when you send that cute little text, but the truth is if your ex is over you, then this ploy will be totally transparent.

On the other hand, if your ex is not over you, then you might be heading for a relationship relapse, so think twice before you press “send.”

Extending the exchange

There’s no getting around it — you’ve got to return each other’s belongings eventually. But whenever possible, try doing the handoff in one big exchange — as oppose to breaking it down into several drop-offs and pick-ups.

Otherwise, you’re just prolonging the inevitable, as well as risking re-engagement.

So before you call up the ex to ask, “Hey, did I leave my $10-fake gold hoop earring at your place?” ask yourself, “Is is really about the missing inanimate object or is it more about making a lastditch effort to reconnect, and therefore, dragging out our breakup?”

If you don’t know the answer, here’s a hint: It’s almost never about the “things.”

Swan song sex

You might be thinking, how much harm could one more romp for the road do? Well, a lot, actually. After all, it could lead to more postbreakup sex, which may seem hot at the time, yes; but before you know it, you’re in that dreaded grey area, where you’re having no-strings-attached sex with someone you once shared a life with.

And honestly, is that kind of relationship downgrade really what you want, or are you selling yourself short?

Kaila loves Toby.  She wants to hold him and make him her baby all the time.  When together, she would be trying to hold him still and he would try to accomodate her without making himself feel uncomfortable.  They share food and milk whenever we're not looking. 

The other day I have to sit her down to explain to her that we don't share food with pet.  He likes his own food and her food might make his stomach go "aw wee".  I also have to tell her Toby likes to run around and doesn't like to be held and squeezed.  She fake cry for a bit then asked Toby to come up and sit next to her on the sofa.  He did just that and she cornered him and held onto his legs.  He fought for a bit then gave up and let her have him.  So much for our talk.

I'm quite surprise at how great Toby is with Kaila.  Some day she would pull him on his tail or his wee wee, and sometime his two hind legs, and he would growl at her but never try to snap at her or anything.  If it's me yanking on his tail he would turn around so fast and nibble at my hand to let me know "let go, it hurts".  But he doesn't do that with her.  I think he knows she's baby and me, adult.

I don't remember who I trained first, Kaila or Toby on how to co-exist peacefully together.  But by rules of common sense and elimination, I think it's Toby first because he was with us before Kaila !  Yes, the memory is coming back to me now.  When I first brought Kaila home from the hospital I took time out each day to let Toby sniff at her.  I talk to him regularly and let him know that she will be an additional member and he needs to watch out for her.  When Kaila was old enough not to be trambled over if Toby was to run into her, I let her pet him and sit next to him and play catch with him.  Before I know it, they accepted each other and became friends.   Now I just have to teach her to be gentle or else Toby will not play with her (more like removing her from his presence because he will always want to play ! even if she hurts him) !