Some day I want to smack Lovebug in her bum bum to ward off all the moodiness in her.  Whenever she's up from her nap it feels as though we're all walking on egg shells.  C and I would eye each other, "what do we do ?"  Do we talk to her ? Acknowledge her ? Ignore her until she makes first contact ?  She's unpredictable and full of surprises so it's a guessing game every time.

If anyone of us say "hello" to Love (just up from nap), some time we'll get a hug, some time a straight stare, some time she'll turn and walk away, but mostly we get a loud thunderous bawl and she's yell out something like "WaaH don't talk to me !!!  Don't look at me !!! Waaahhh Waah!".  Then she would go looking for me (wish I can hide), rushing over and falling on my lap BUT don't want me to touch her.  I just sit there filtering her out until she's done with all the crying.  

Love is an animated and dramatic gal !  so it's not out of character for her being like this.  She often get upset over things that make no sense at all.  Like, she's mad that my mom is my mom and she's not my mommy !  No sense at all ... I think, despite knowing a lot of words, Love doesn't understand the meaning and when to use it.  She is still a baby though her vocab extensive, she is only 2 almost 3 yr. old.  She likes to say "I'm mad" or "I don't love you" to express frustration !  Probably because it gets our attention every time.  I often try to engage her to talk more, and try listen and figure out what she's trying to explain, but this habit of hers is a tough one to kill off !

In the last few months, it seems when she's upset, esp. after nap, she wants us to ignore her, but she also want us to acknowledge her in the same time.  What the hell right ?  C gave up on her and said she's too hormonal.  I don't have experience with pms (far as I know) but I think this is something like it.  She's so cranky I want to pull my hair out from frustration.  She doesn't know what she wants.  I don't know what she wants.  She expects me to read her mind and know what she wants and this is a big problem !  I haven't got a clue :(

If I ask Love "what's wrong?" or "talk to me honey, why are you crying?", she would tell me not to talk to her and if she sensed my annoyance she would cry louder and say "aww you mad at me !  Waah Waah".  If I let her be for 15 min. she usually would calm down and come around as if nothing happened.  15 minutes isn't that long but because the sound of her cry/whine often escalate to a shrieking volume, 15 min. is a long long long dreadful time for all of us.  I am still trying to figure out how to deal with her so I can pass the memo to C and Bee.  Who both gave up on her and avoid her like a plague when she's up.

I believe this is Terrible Two/Troublesome Three stage other parents talked about. We got away with it with Bee but we can't be so lucky the second time !  Oh well, we can only brave through it now.  I comforted myself that it shall too come to pass one day, like everything else under the sun.  Please grant me wisdom, patience and strength dear Lord !

Pork belly with pickled ginger

After the birth of each of our baby, the day I come home from the hospital is the day my mom would sit down with me and remind me of all the things I can and can't do.

This week I heard some new things I never heard before.  I find these cultural rituals kinda silly.  She told me to get out of the kitchen when she's grinding meat.  The sound is bad for me as it shakes my nerves !  But she said once my hormone is back to normal then it should be ok.  I have no idea when that is and nor does she.  Maybe in a few months ?  I left her there and proceeded to re-arrange a shelf in our dining room sideboard.  Within seconds she rushed over and nagged me.  She said lifting or pushing anything heavy now will damage the strength in my hands and my veins will pop up underneath my skin, making my hands unsightly.  I complied, to avoid her nagging, then proceeded on with what I'm doing when she's out of sight.

Fortunately for my mother, and her heart, I've kept her from knowing all the things I've been doing and eating.  I don't believe in any of those folklore !  She said they are to prevent ailments in my golden years.  They don't make any sense to me.  BUT if she's right, I wouldn't know it until I'm old and by then it's too late and I will say "oh, only if I listened to mom" :-)

These are what I'm to avoid after I gave birth:

-  Avoid drinking cold water !  I can't stand room temp. or warm water.  I guess I'm doomed to be chilled for the rest of my life.

- No bathing for a month.  I bathe right after baby is out.  It's gross if you waited that long.

- No reading book or devices (phone/ipad) or TV to prevent vision loss when old.  I went onto fb to post baby picture on the day of giving birth !  ooops.
- Avoid standing near the stove (???).  I went on a banana bread baking spree days after.
- Avoid eating fruits/food that have warming characteristic (mango, lychee, chocolate, etc)
- Don't wash my hair too often !  This she doesn't need to tell me because it's not like I have time to do that everyday anyways.
- Avoid exotic fruits
- Not to go out !  Baby and I should stay home the first month to gain strength (avoid sickness, etc)

What I'm nagged often to do:

- Eat lots of ginger to get the uterus contract in faster
- Bind my stomach
- Eat pork belly or pork hock to encourage milk production
- Drink warm water
- Eat soft food (to avoid constipation > this makes sense)

While I don't listen I'm thankful for my mom.  If anything, it makes our conversation more interesting and I also get a glimpse into the past, into my mom's and grandma's time.

Can't get enough of baby !  These two girls want to hold him all the time.  One of them is addicted to his cheeks :-)  She wants to touch them all day and night.

Baby Boom was welcomed home by 2 squealing happy kids.  They wanted to touch him and smell him and hold his hands.  According to Bee, baby smells like candy.  Love chimed in that he's yummy in the tummy.

Love nicked named him Boom Boom months ago. We registered him as Nolan Elias.  One of the name we picked for Bee but she turned out to be a girl so that name was shelved until now :-)  We're at day 4 with Nolan and so far so good.

One of the question I get asked a few times is how are the girls doing ?  They are adjusting well as far as adjusting go.  Meaning they accepted him but might be too early to tell if there's any jealousy yet.

First time meeting baby at hospital was hard on Love while it was the happiest day for Bee.  She's been waiting to meet him.  Love on the other hand was a little apprehensive.  She stood and looked at him from a far.  I gave baby to my mom to hold and asked her to come over so I can hold her.  She didn't rush over but she did come and hug me.  I know she needed time so I didn't rush her.  We talked about their day and playing around with my cool moving bed.  Bee asked about why I am at hospital still and not at home, I told them about our day.  Bee asked where baby came out of and I told her.  She made a face, looked at me and said gently "Mommy, don't tell me about this ever again!".

By the end of the evening, Love warms up to baby and was petting his cheeks a few times.  That's a good sign to me.  Before leaving she asked if baby is coming with me when I come home from hospital.  I asked her "do you want him to come", she said "yah, he's our baby!".

At home, the girls check up on him often.  Love is addicted to petting his cheeks.  Even in his sleep she wont leave him alone !  her love language perhaps !  Bee wants to hold baby when he's up looking around.  She said "I want to help so you're not tired".  Sweet !  Bee is very attentive and gentle with baby.  It's quite a joy to see her holding him.  We spend a lot of time talking (mostly the girls) about what baby is doing and why he has no teeth and why he can't eat and when can he play and when can he talk and why he likes breast milk over food and why he's so small and why he sleeps so much...and the list goes on :-)

When baby and I do skin skin time, the girls too stripped off their top and sat next to me :-)  They help us with diaper change and bathe.  It's a whole family affair :)  If baby is up they would talk and sing to him.  We've been keeping to our usual schedule with the girls so there's little change to their daily routine.  I know things will change once this baby is no longer a "new born".  We have some time until then, for now we will just keep doing what we're doing and taking things in stride.

Sleep was another question I get asked and was one my biggest concern as both C and I didn't get much sleep the first night.  However once we're home we managed to put in a few long stretches of sleep between the two of us.  It helps that my mom looks after our dinner.  We're blessed as it's one less thing to worry about.  Both nights now, baby sleeps 3-4 hours, then woke me up for a diaper change and feed, then back to sleep for another 4 to 4 1/2 hours.  Newborn are quite easy to satify, I find.  If they're full they'll sleep.  And if they cry after a full feed then it's wet/dirty diaper.  It's either one or the other.  Milk came in early and plentiful so it does make things a lot easier.

Last night the girls want to sleep in same room with me and baby so C an I decided to fit everyone in.  The girls slept til 7:30am, right through baby's cries.  C woke up twice and nudge me up to ask if I need any help.  I wanted to tell him, if I'm sleeping, it's a good sign I don't need anything.  Instead I told him to relax and sleep.  I know he's being considerate, because if I'm too tired and passed out, I would appreciate this nudge from him very much.  Overall, we're sailing through our first few days on peaceful water.

What is it like at our house right now ?  NOISY !  Like always.  With 2 playful little girls, I don't remember when it was last quiet around here.  This is something baby will have to adjust to !  I make sure since day 1 there's always noise when he sleep so he's can learn to block them out. Right at this moment, baby has been sleeping for over 2 hours with the TV on, daddy is chatting and playing with 2 girls (volume level = loud), and in the background of it all is the kitchen fan humming away with the clanging of pots and pans (prep. for dinner).  He slept right through it all !  Yay !

What are the current challenges for us ?  Keeping the mittens on his hands and cutting his nails.  His fingers are so small, so fragile, but the nails are sharp !  I'm scare I might cut into his skin.  As for the mittens, he moves his hands so much it's so hard to get them on.  Keeping them staying on is another challenge.  That's about the level of difficulty we're facing at the moment.  He's a good sleeper, pooper, pee-er and eater !

Looking back, I remember how our first week at home was so crazy with Bee, our first baby.  We were trying to do everything by the book and it was so stressful and exhausting.  Our days and nights were all a blur.  The purple mark under our eyes tells the stories of our sleep.  Then with the 2nd baby, things were a bit easier because we know what to do, what to expect, what worked for us and we also pay little attention to what "experts said".  It makes for less stress :)  Now here we are again, going through it all again, but equipped with much more experience.  It will be an interesting ride for sure as each kid is different.  Especially with this one being a boy.  

As we ease in this new chapter of our family life I pray daily for guidance and wisdom from the Lord.  I love my kids so much and because I love them so much I also feel the need to give them over to the Lord's care.  I can't hide them away from the world but I can pray over them.  I pray the Lord will watch them and protect them.  I pray He will guide their steps and give them peace and strength as they grow each day.  Amen.

first skin to skin contact

I wish I journal about my previous 2 birthing experience but I never got around to them.  With Bee, being a first time mom, there was just no time to write.  With Love, 2 days in the hospital, waiting to go from 5-7cm, with no sleep, drained all the energy I have and took days to recover.  When things settled in I was no longer in the mood to write about it.  With this pregnancy, I really make an effort to write more about it.  It's my last chance after all !  I decided to take some time to write about this birthing experience since the whole ordeal is still fresh in my mind and our little guy is a good sleeper !

..............................................................

Just like that, days and weeks of sitting around impatiently waiting for a sign, and it came at the wee hour of morning.  I was woken up by a cramp in my lower adomen.  I don't get menstrual cramp but I assumed this is what it would feel like as it's quite low.  I thought the cramp was caused by the way I sleep.  I've been getting all sort of pains and discomforts these past weeks so to me it's one more to add to the list.  I gently rub my tummy then went back to sleep.  About an hour later, I was up again with the same cramp.  3:59 am announced on my cel phone.  Again I went back to sleep.

5:15 am, cramp lasted for about 30 seconds.  Could this be the sign I'm looking for ?  I am uncertain.  The past days have been confusing.  I have been feeling tightening around my tummy regularly, some light, some painful ones.  Yesterday I went into the hospital with what I deemed are labor contractions.  They were 5-7 min. apart regularly for an hour so off we went.  In the birthing unit, I was assessed and was between 3-4cm dilated.  It's still very very early the nurse said.  She discharged me and told me to walk a lot to speed up the process.

We went home and went to the park.  I was really tired but managed to walk a few laps around the playground. Nothing happened that night.

The cramp today is bearable but it did repeat itself 3 times, even after changing sleeping position.  I decided to call the birthing unit for advice.  The nurse on the other line told me to take a warm shower and see if it helps.  If it keeps coming back, then I should come in for an assessment.  The warm shower and rocking side to side didn't help as the cramp came during and after the shower.   I sat around for another 20 min. to feel things out.  It's not painful so maybe I'll wait til morning.  But....but what if this is contractions and things progress fast.  I don't want to take chances so I woke C up to take me in for assessment.

We got to the hospital around 6:30am then went in to Admitting.  Once paper work are done and they tagged my arm, we were taken up to the birthing unit before 7am.  The nurse assessed and admitted me because I was 5cm dilated and my contractions was every 4-5 min.  Very early labor but it is the start of things.

It turned out those light cramps were "contractions"...I didn't experience them with my previous 2.  With Bee and Lovebug, it was the regular tightening (like Braxton Hicks) every few minutes that caused us to make a trip to hospital.  And I was admitted both times as I was 5cm dilated.

In my birthing room, I was told to walk or bounce on the ball if I'm up to it, but don't over exert myself as I need energy for later.  I sat around for 15 min. then thought maybe I should try walking.  While I circled the room, C went to get coffee and breakfast. From 5cm to 10cm is quite a way to go.  Hopefully this baby will arrive today.  I really dread being in this waiting space.

8:30am and here I am still walking and praying and playing Candy Crush to kill time.  Contractions are still happening, less like cramp but strong tightening around my whole abdomen, but they're not painful.  Without any level of discomfort I'm not progressing into stage 2, which is active labor.  This sucks.

I sat on the bed, staring at C who's staring back at me.  "anything ?" he asked.  "same as before, nothing has changed" I said.

At around 9 am I got one major cramp that I have to ask C to rub my back.  I looked at him and said, "I think it's happening".

The nurse came in and asked me if my contractions changed much.  I told her I just got a painful one.  She said after a few more of those she'll check me again.

At 9:15, I have gotten 3 intense contractions.  I went to lay on the bed and the pain subsided.  The nurse checked me and I was near 7cm.  The nurse said just a bit more to go.  I noticed that when I lay on the bed, contractions was light and bareable.  It feels nice.  Then it dawned to me, if I want to get into active labor, I can't lay down.  What to do ?  face the pain or run away.  Either way I know it will come so may as well deal with this head on. I can do this !  I'm a warrior !!!

I asked the nurse to get the laughing gas ready, in case I need it.  I got on my knees and hung onto the end of the bed and rocked side the side, like I'm waddling.  Within mere minutes I can feel a strong tight painful contraction, as if the baby is ready to push his way out.  I grabbed the laughing gas from C's hand and inhale.  But I keep inhaling it and not breathing out so I felt light headed.  I almost pass out.  C was like "YOU have to breathe out, you need oxygen, breathe breathe".  I'm doing this all wrong already.  Damn it.  I decided to lay down and wait for the nurse to come in (she comes in every few min.).

I told the nurse what's happening and she called the doctor and another nurse to come in.  This is it, I knew it.  My baby is coming.  I pray and brace myself for the pain to come.  The doctor and nurses were all looking at me, waiting for a strong contraction to assess the situation.  Nothing was happening.  I just lay there without any contraction at all. Not wasting anytime, the doctor told me to lay on the side to encourage it.  I listened and surprisingly, within a few min. of me turning on my side, I feel tighten all over and I cry out in pain.  That ONE single contraction is mind numbing exploding gut wrenching painful.  I curled up like a ball, my fingers and toes are curled up too.  I want to cry but even tears elude me.  I looked at C and said "I can't do this, just cut me up".  "You can do it honey !  We're so close, you did it before" then put the laughing gas in my mouth.  I push it away, I can't inhale or exhale now.  I'm in too much pain to do anything. 

The pain subside, I quickly catch my breath because I know another is coming in less than a min.  I asked the doctor if I can have med. or can she cut me open because I can't do this.  She said "you're doing so well, you're so strong, you can do this"..."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I can't...it's too late anyway...this baby is going to come if I like it or not right ?"  I cried at the truth of it all and let myself get swept away in agony pain.

This next part was a blur of events.  I remember some exchanges but mostly, I remember the pain of pushing.

"Suck in the air then breathe out!  put your mouth in it.  Inhale ! inhale !  Breathe breathe breathe !" C yelled.  I pushed his hand away.  "I'm going to pass out" I yelled.  The nurses said "No gas, no gas.  Push down on your tail bone.  Push only when you have a contraction".  I struggle for oxygen.  I can't pass out right now right here.  But the pain will end if I faint !  But what if something happen to baby ?  Screw it, I need to be awake.  Inhale, inhale, inhale I told myself.  "I can't push anymore.  Just cut the baby out" I told the doctor.

"Push push push, come on, you can do it !  TUCK your chin in !  you're doing so good" the nurse on the left told me.  It's not like I have a choice.  Even if I don't push my body automatically triggered my brain to.  The contraction at this point feels like it's out to kill me, the action of pushing, while it's pain X a trillion, feels better.  It overrides the internal pain.  I think it's because the pain is in one spot, it's contained, and a physical pain.  So I determined to put my focus on that.

There's really no down time between advanced contractions, maybe 10 to 5 seconds.  The doctor told me after my first push attempt is that I need to fit in at least 3 or 4 push with each contraction.  When the 2nd contraction start I pushed with all my might and his head crown.  At the 3rd one, C was smiling and happily announced  "He's OUT he's out, his head is our, just another push honey and his body is out".  I told C, "It's so painful, I don't think I can push him out"...then I push without contraction and the doctor noticed and said "DON'T push if you don't have a contraction.  If you must, try tiny push if you have to do it...small push push push".  I noticed without the contraction, the push is like driving without gas, it does nothing.  I need the pain to get the adrenalin going to push.  When the 4th contraction come, in my agony, I remember to push hard down towards my bum.  I push with all the air I got.  Chin tucked in and teeth were grinding until the last push.  He came out  and it was instant relief.

C was emotional, I was emotional, and the baby was warm and slimy.  The nurses and doctor congratulated us and went on being busy with all the other stuff that needs to be taken care of.  At that moment everything is secondary, there's a naked baby on top of me.  He's beautiful.  I'm so happy to meet him finally.  He's perfect, so precious, so worth all of this.  Thank you Lord !

Would I do this all over again !  Absolutely not !  3 is a perfect number for our family.

39 weeks : baby is about the size of a mini water melon

The last few days of pregnancy bring many joy (baby full term) and anxiety (when is baby coming ?) at the same time.  It will be the last time I'm with child so I'm trying to embrace this tender sweet moments we have together.  Remembering every kicks, hiccups and stretches.

As I do love being pregnant, knowing at anytime now I could meet my darling baby face to face bring on a bout of excitement and anxiousness.  The feeling is like the nervousness of a girl who is waiting for her turn to go on stage.  The butterflies, the wobbly legs, feeling like they will give out underneath me any moment, and praying earnestly that everything will go smoothly.  

Sleep eludes me these days.  I feel shortness of breath like never before and when I walk downstairs I feel pain on my bladder.  Talk about bladder, I've never been going #1 and also #2 so often for as long as I remember.  Too much info I know but I want to write this down so I remember.  Apparently it's my body ridding of all things in preparation for labor !  Hopefully baby will make the grand entrance this weekend.

I was thinking to myself how I forget a lot of details that linked to contractions and labor.  Maybe it's meant to be so women can keep the human race going.  For my sake, I wanted to write down what I remember about this pregnancy.  At each trimester/stage with this one, it feels like a light bulb lighted up in my head and I was like "oh I remember this with the previous 2 pregnancies" !  Let's see, at around month 3, the all-day nausea would start and it was a killer, especially when I'm still working.  I can't eat, has no appetite for food, and any food smell makes me gag.  My office is near the staff's lunch room so it was months and months of queasiness.  In addition to the nausea, with this pregnancy, I also have to deal with dizziness, hot flashes (from low blood pressure), and yucky metallic taste in my mouth all day.

Doctor prescribed me Diclectin twice a day to help manage the nausea but it only helped a bit.  Doctor said I can take more as needed but once I took 4 pills, I got so drowsy I had to lay down for most of the day.  So much for that !  As for prenatal vitamin, I couldn't take it daily due to the iron content, which makes me sick with a bad headache that I can't function.  I took it on the weekend only.  I was so worry it might affect the baby but my doctor told me it's OK, just make sure to eat varieties of food and drink milk and juices.  I had a lot of smoothie and meal replacement drink.  

At month 6 it gets a little better for me and I can finally eat.  I ate beef most days for iron and started to take prenatal vitamin every other day.  This is the best stage of pregnancy for me.   I can eat (yay) and life was almost normal again.  I was out and about a lot and did all the things I usually do.  It's also nesting time for me too so our house usually go through some changes.  With the first pregnancy, I made C re-painted our whole house, bought new furniture and sold our dining set without talking it over with him !  I must have been really whiny and annoying and probably weepy during this time for hubby to be so patience and understanding with me.  With the 2nd pregnancy, we got new sofa and rug.  With this 3rd one, I made C built a tree house facade for the girls' bunk bed !

Appearance wise, my tummy is the same shape like the previous 2 pregnancies !  I gained 35+ pounds, tummy is round and has a dark brown running straight from top to bottom.  Craving is the same for all 3, white baguette and chocolate.  I ate a lot of french baguette !!!  It's what kept me full most days !  I can eat the whole loaf with condense milk.

When month 9 comes around, food aversion would return and I found myself picking through my meals, eating a bit here and there.  I do drink a lot of milk though so maybe the fat in it is keeping me full.  Food is the last thing on my mind.  I find myself most days trying to remember what contraction feels like.  Was it pain from back to front ?  Strong tightening of the stomach ?  How did I recognized it with the previous 2 pregnancies ?  I have little memories of it :-(  I do remember that it it's a tight feeling in the back and the feeling of want to go #2.  There was no physical sign of it at all.  No bloody show, no lost of mucus plug, and no feeling of "lightening" (when baby descent into birth canal).  I have no idea how I know when to go to the hospital both time.  I guess when it happened then I will know.

As for labor, I remember Bee was fast and painful !  we went to the hospital at 11am and she was out before 3pm.  All the actions happened between 1 and 2 pm.  Contractions wasn't too long before I told the nurse "I'm have to push her out now" and before the doctor, Dr. Silverthorn, made his way into the room, the baby was already out.  I did remember the feeling of being burn down there, which I learned later on that it's call the ring of fire.  I was up holding precious Bee.  She was 6 lb 8 oz of love.  The nurse asked me to get up for a quick shower and next thing I know, I fainted.  Everything went dark and then when I opened my eyes, I saw a whole bunch of eyes were staring down on me and C's face (on the left side of me) was white like ghost.  Apparently I passed out for a good 15 min.

Lovebug was a long labor.  I went in at night, around 9pm.  I was 5cm dilated so they decided to keep me there.   For 21 hours I barely made it to 7cm.  Nothing was happening.  Hours on the bouncy ball did nothing to me.

Dr. Connie suggested we speed things up.  She hooked me up to oxytocin but it didnt work.  Then she broke my water, and still nothing.  No intense contraction.  I started to feel worry for baby.  So much water lost and still nothing ?  What's going on ?  Another doctor came in the room with an ultrasound machine.  She told me baby's head is still high up so she needs break my water again and this time she will be putting her hand in "there" to help guide the baby down into the birth canal.  Sounds all too scary for me but I didn't feel like I have much of a choice.  My baby isn't locking in so this is the only way.  

Once the water broke again (I'm surprised there's that much water in there) intense contraction started right away.   I remember looking at the second hand on the clock for breaks between the painful contractions, and after about 25 min. I was ready to push and shortly after that precious Love arrived. 7 lb 10 oz of love.

I hope this baby will be easy too.  I know no labor is without pain but I'm hoping for one with very little pain.  I heard stories of women who literally just cough them out.  I would love to have one like that.  I should start praying for such delivery !