I feel happy ! and nervous at the same time. I also feel a little bit panicky...the thoughts of going through everything AGAIN ! it should be a good thing, I mean how many times in our life can we do this right ? I actually look forward to being pregnant but it's the thought of pushing baby out scares me sooooo so much. The excruciating pain that no word can ever completely describe. But the baby is HERE ! She/he IS REAL. There's no going back and I can only thank God for this gift. A part of me though, is screaming OMG OMG OMG OMG !!!!
I wonder if/how I can squeeze in another child into my heart, can my heart handle it ? I love my 2 kids so much it burst at the sight of them, I don't know if it's possible for another. I look at the girls sleeping, one on each side of me. Even in their sleep they are attached to me, they want me, want to touch a part of me, either my arm or my back, their hand are touch me. For them, having me near means safe. A thought creeps in, that a 3rd child might take some of my love away, the girls will be with less of me. Will they be ok ? Will they accept less ? I need to be sure to spend time with each and get to know them just us two.
C said to me, "3 is good, I am ok with 4 too!". I know he's joking as for both of us, somehow this 3rd baby just close our family circle. Our desire is fulfilled.
When we told Bee that we will be having a baby, she screamed "no more baby !". Then she cried and said "Baby cries, it's so noisy ! I don't like it ! why do we have to have a baby ? it's enough".
She also said too much food in my tummy made a baby in there (I was debating if I should tell her what really happened).
Lovebug, on the other hand, was so excited (like Bee was when we told her about Lovebug), "BABY, a baby, yay"!
The day after I mentioned it to Bee again and she still wasn't thrilled. She went into the bathroom, found the pregnancy test and showed it to me, "what is it ?" she asked. I explained to her the procedure. She asked me to do it again. The fact that she thought it's so cool that I peed on a stick, I thought this might be a better way to break the news !!! So I peed on it again and showed her. Plus means pregnant.
"YAY ! it said a baby in your tummy. That's cool !" she happily report with a smile.
So that's all it take to turn her mood around. Me peeing on a stick. Seriously.
Since finding out, I started to notice food adversions and the feeling of wanting to throw up. I crave salty stuff. I remember I like bread with Lovebug and lots of chocolate with Bee. I did eat a lot of baluts with the two girls. With this pregnancy, I feel constantly hungry and want salty stuff. It's the start of it but so far it all feels familiar. I wish I journal more during my 1st and 2nd pregnancy so I can compare notes. Oh well ! One thing is for sure, this tummy will grow again for the next few months !
